If you could do anything with your life, your energy, your time, what exactly would you do?? I'm not sure if I could truly answer that, given that I can't think of making any moves without thinking of my being bond to responsibilities such as bills and loans that I'm tied to for who-knows-how-long...suffice it to say, I don't even feel that I am privileged enough to think about what I'd do if I could.
I had never thought that I even had a passion for life when I was younger. My job was just to go to school, get the good grades, and get in to college. My senior year of high school is when people started probing the idea of "what I wanted to do with my life". All I knew was that I was good at school, thought maybe a psychologist since I did well in our Intro class senior year, and I certainly didn't want to be a psychiatrist because of the history of drug addiction in my family. Once I got into college, (on a four year academic scholarship to a very good school), everything happened in a flash. I already didn't really have an idea of where I wanted to be. In high school, for a brief moment, I dreamed of being a dancer, that is until I dislocated my knee and realized the impermanence of such a career - I didn't have the guts to pursue it all or nothing, and I didn't think I was that great, to be perfectly honest. What I did know, up until college, was that I was smart.
Let me tell you how far "smart" goes when you're at a school like Boston University. I still get mad at myself for the time I wasted there trying to figure out just who the hell I was,and not in the best ways I might add. I didn't even have "dream schools" just safety's because as much as they tried to shove it all down my throat in junior and senior year, I didn't understand the importance of going somewhere that mattered to me. I just wanted to go somewhere close enough to home, but far enough where I could live on campus (which cost me a pretty penny). I was afraid of real life, I felt completely unprepared; and I went to literally one of the best exam schools in New England, that someone like me coming from where I'm from could get access to without having money.
I quickly made a slew of bad choices, which led me places I'd never opt to go again, I lost myself. I don't believe in pointing fingers, but I will say I was young and searching for some kind of validation I wasn't getting. I felt betrayed, criminalized, hopeless. Forget school, forget dance, barely made and/or kept friends; I was tumbling rapidly into darkness. I thought someone would come and save me, from the horrors I allowed myself, the venom I swallowed because I believed I had nothing. The world would have had me go on believing that lie too, even those closest to me. I can't exactly explain what happened to me, or what I let happen. What I can tell you is that this was the first time I stopped listening to everyone else, and heard the metaphorical voice on the inside commanding me to give myself another chance at life.
That's where the death of the old me began, and the person I am today began to emerge. This is the time that I began singeing my life from the outer edges like a book. Once I let the flame engulf everything I was, I watched the dis-ease, the negativity that I'd brought in my life erupt in tumult. I realized that the only way I could achieve order in my insane world was not to fight the chaos, but to become it. Somehow, I knew I could not burn myself any further than what I had; I stopped fearing what the flames could do. This is when I discovered how like the mighty phoenix I truly am. Once all had been properly scorched, it was time to start rebuilding.
During this time, I called my guard in, my warrior, my shield. He came with no hesitation. Since, I was still in such a delicate state, I needed protection and reassurance to restore my faith in myself. Who better to call upon than the one person who I could always count on to give sincere counsel, the one person who had always seen past my exterior into my soul. My Samurai walked through the battlefield, which was still bathed in my roaring flames just to be the armor I needed. At that time, I called him my best friend, my ride or die.
Time passed, and I began to forge my own armor composed of self love, compassion, self respect, as well as an inner strength and some wisdom. Characteristics I am still trying to embody on a daily basis. When my armor finally merged with my soul and became part of who I am, is when I was able to open myself up new possibilities of what I deserved and what I am capable of, my potential became more apparent to me. With all these discoveries, my Samurai stood ever present by my side, undeterrable, his loyalty to me unwavering, his faith in me unyielding. He helped me dust the ashes off and spread my majestic wings again.
With clarity and hope, I looked into his eyes and saw my truest, deepest reflection; here stood a pillar of strength, integrity, inspiration, determination, not to mention a soul so beautiful with a melody only I could hear. I don't know if you believe in fairy tales, and I can't say that this is that, but I can tell you I fell so deep in love. That love forever transformed my soul as we exchange our energies in all forms, our light expanding, our consciousness growing, our vibrations melding playing a symphony with ancient instruments derived from the oldest stardust in the cosmos.
Love of self is transformative, love of another is courageous. I decided long ago all I ever truly want is happiness. The love I found in me allowed me to love and be loved unconditionally. I feel like I am capable of greatness. I feel like I can change the world, at least by changing myself. The process has already begun. I feel like I have everything I could ever want and I'm so incredibly grateful.
I still have no clue where I'm going, but that's only because I'm focused on the now, doing what I can with what I have for those who can benefit, whose lives I can impact, work that I believe in. And I have the love of my life by my side. This happiness is the purest form of a blessing. "In life, it's not where you go---its who you travel with" and I am so honored to be sharing this journey with him.
Monday, March 10, 2014
Saturday, June 15, 2013
Love Me Like A River Does
The last 25 years have been a life. It's had ups and downs, countless memories happy and muddled with darkness and grays.
I like to consider myself a positive person, one that is generally happy. The happier I become, the harder life seems to get. It's almost as if I'm set up to fail, like I'm supposed to give up -- But I can't give up, I fight for myself to be the best person I can be, sometimes that requires altering everything I once thought myself to be.
We get so attached to these personalities of ours,. It's easy not to take responsibility for how we are and the choices we make. All we have to do when we fuck up is attribute it to "who we are"; "Oh sorry if I'm an asshole, that's just my personality that I'm not willing to even try to change because that would be more inconvenient for me to acknowledge that I'm not perfect." It's a very common occurrence. I've seen it in myself as I am very quick to anger and a bit too emotionally reactive, more than I'd like to admit. I let people affect my mood and disposition to the point that I have become emotionally dependent on others. I rely on frequencies outside of myself to alter my core being.
If I'm being honest, I don't think our "personalities" are who we truly are or potentially can be; I think that potential is who we should strive to be. I think these "personalities" are more or less the things we carry around from other sources but not from within. Ponder this, when we look outside ourselves we all become dependent on what I'll call "the other" to the point where we become addicted to people and their energies. Some of us are more aware than others; some of us are more affected than others.
We walk around like zombies radiating this negativity that says we are worthless and we look for those that give us value. This is our grave mistake, because if you really look at it, we are putting out this negativity in an attempt to attract something better. If we are all asleep putting out this frequency, how will we get what we are looking for. It must come from within, we must be the source for ourselves. It takes for a person to really wake to consciousness simply to be aware, then the real work begins.
It's not easy to change your mind or perspective, and have you ever contemplated this idea? Everything we are, our realities, all we've agreed upon, all of this is nothing more than someone's idea. When a decision is made to change your mind about something it is only natural that you are met with resistance. We are creatures of habit, but just because this is so, it does not necessitate the idea that we are unable to grow out of habit.
We must be like the river who flows ever so gently, forging a new way where we may be met with resistance. Think of how canyons are formed, water is gentle yet majestic and reigns supreme as the dominant life source. We cannot exist without it. Water always finds a way to flow, and over time, creates whole new paths where there was only walls of rock before. When our path changes, we have to be able to adjust ourselves to this path while retaining our core selves.
It is ok to not know who you are yet, or to not be done figuring out who you want to be. But let us make the choice to be the best we can be for ourselves, this will then yield to the best us we can be together. If we aren't so hard on ourselves and give ourselves a chance to see we are the music makers and the dreamers of dreams, then life will still be as challenging but we will still be able to choose happiness. We can be so happy together.
I like to consider myself a positive person, one that is generally happy. The happier I become, the harder life seems to get. It's almost as if I'm set up to fail, like I'm supposed to give up -- But I can't give up, I fight for myself to be the best person I can be, sometimes that requires altering everything I once thought myself to be.
We get so attached to these personalities of ours,. It's easy not to take responsibility for how we are and the choices we make. All we have to do when we fuck up is attribute it to "who we are"; "Oh sorry if I'm an asshole, that's just my personality that I'm not willing to even try to change because that would be more inconvenient for me to acknowledge that I'm not perfect." It's a very common occurrence. I've seen it in myself as I am very quick to anger and a bit too emotionally reactive, more than I'd like to admit. I let people affect my mood and disposition to the point that I have become emotionally dependent on others. I rely on frequencies outside of myself to alter my core being.
If I'm being honest, I don't think our "personalities" are who we truly are or potentially can be; I think that potential is who we should strive to be. I think these "personalities" are more or less the things we carry around from other sources but not from within. Ponder this, when we look outside ourselves we all become dependent on what I'll call "the other" to the point where we become addicted to people and their energies. Some of us are more aware than others; some of us are more affected than others.
We walk around like zombies radiating this negativity that says we are worthless and we look for those that give us value. This is our grave mistake, because if you really look at it, we are putting out this negativity in an attempt to attract something better. If we are all asleep putting out this frequency, how will we get what we are looking for. It must come from within, we must be the source for ourselves. It takes for a person to really wake to consciousness simply to be aware, then the real work begins.
It's not easy to change your mind or perspective, and have you ever contemplated this idea? Everything we are, our realities, all we've agreed upon, all of this is nothing more than someone's idea. When a decision is made to change your mind about something it is only natural that you are met with resistance. We are creatures of habit, but just because this is so, it does not necessitate the idea that we are unable to grow out of habit.
We must be like the river who flows ever so gently, forging a new way where we may be met with resistance. Think of how canyons are formed, water is gentle yet majestic and reigns supreme as the dominant life source. We cannot exist without it. Water always finds a way to flow, and over time, creates whole new paths where there was only walls of rock before. When our path changes, we have to be able to adjust ourselves to this path while retaining our core selves.
Nothing is softer or more flexible than water, yet nothing can resist it.-Lao Tzu
It is ok to not know who you are yet, or to not be done figuring out who you want to be. But let us make the choice to be the best we can be for ourselves, this will then yield to the best us we can be together. If we aren't so hard on ourselves and give ourselves a chance to see we are the music makers and the dreamers of dreams, then life will still be as challenging but we will still be able to choose happiness. We can be so happy together.
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
It's Driven Me Before And It Seems To Have A Vague Haunting Mass Appeal....
It's has been quite a while since I've written anything on this blog....Lately, let's say, I've been rather inspired by events and people, particularly the behaviors of people.
Now, unfortunately for me, I'm both annoyingly semantically meticulous as well as enthusiastically emotional; the latter, sometimes, is a morosely reactive state which can feel like I've lost all control. I feel as though as I've grown, I've gained more control over my emotions, and have the potential to achieve inner peace. There are, however, so manydistractions, some taking shape in the form of human interaction/relationships outside of myself.
I've always been an altruistic person, overly generous with my energies. When I was a senior in high school, I remember having a discussion with this highly intelligent young person, Rachel. Rachel and I were debating about whether or not altruism is a good thing, and we may have touched upon its inherent morality (or lack thereof, i.e. selfish motives). I was in favor of altruism while she argued that, although it's not necessarily a bad thing, it wasn't beneficial to be altruistic. It wasn't until recent years that I truly began understanding that a save-the-world mentality could be so detrimental to a person.
In my 25 years, I have given so much of my energy, devoted so much of my being for the interest and gain of others. Recently, I'm learning that I have a propensity to give so freely without any expectation that I have been losing so much of myself in the process. I have to learn to maintain a specific frequency of love and compassion within, so that when I choose to share I won't be depleting my own source.
When one depletes her own source of light, she vibrates at a lower level and then becomesdisoriented and life grows more difficult to decipher. When this happens, we can become enveloped in dramas that tend to play out in a way that we must learn a lesson. This is also why sometimes, certain challenges seem familiar, life is trying to send us a hint or reminder of that lesson we need to learn. Sometimes, life likes to test us on those lessons we thought we had learned.
When you're light is shining the brightest, life likes to put you indarkness to remind you that you have to create your own light in this world.
One lesson I'm continuously learning is that what other people think of me does not matter. No one has any power over me that I did not give to them willingly. This irrationalfear of losing control is exactly that: irrational, illogical, unreasonable. I only control myself insofar as I am able to turn the inner eye to make the changes I see fit. I can admit that I don't like to not be able to make people understand me. It's frustrating to think people can make up their own ideas of me that may not even be close to who I feel I am, my perception of myself. It's only frustrating due to my irrational fear that it matters what others, outside myself believe about me, someone who they can only know from their own subjective experiences with me; and no matter what I do, I cannot control the thoughts of others no matter how much I would like to be able influence them. I must be able to accept the things I cannot change, as well as care less about what others think and attempt not to form solid judgments about others. I need not to be distracted with the drivel of simple dramas when I am this multifaceted being living life in multidimensional spaces.
Now, unfortunately for me, I'm both annoyingly semantically meticulous as well as enthusiastically emotional; the latter, sometimes, is a morosely reactive state which can feel like I've lost all control. I feel as though as I've grown, I've gained more control over my emotions, and have the potential to achieve inner peace. There are, however, so many
I've always been an altruistic person, overly generous with my energies. When I was a senior in high school, I remember having a discussion with this highly intelligent young person, Rachel. Rachel and I were debating about whether or not altruism is a good thing, and we may have touched upon its inherent morality (or lack thereof, i.e. selfish motives). I was in favor of altruism while she argued that, although it's not necessarily a bad thing, it wasn't beneficial to be altruistic. It wasn't until recent years that I truly began understanding that a save-the-world mentality could be so detrimental to a person.
In my 25 years, I have given so much of my energy, devoted so much of my being for the interest and gain of others. Recently, I'm learning that I have a propensity to give so freely without any expectation that I have been losing so much of myself in the process. I have to learn to maintain a specific frequency of love and compassion within, so that when I choose to share I won't be depleting my own source.
When one depletes her own source of light, she vibrates at a lower level and then becomes
When you're light is shining the brightest, life likes to put you in
One lesson I'm continuously learning is that what other people think of me does not matter. No one has any power over me that I did not give to them willingly. This irrational
"I must not fear. Fear is the mind killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to past over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain."
Love is a much more interesting adventure and a much wiser use of my energy.
Saturday, January 28, 2012
February Baby
- FEBRUARY BABY
I'd say this is about right...not sure about the "learning to show emotions" or being "romantic on the inside rather than the outside" either. I feel like I wear my heart on my sleeve most days...I definitely feel ludicrous sometimes and I do love an aggressive male, but these things make life fun! Everything else is spot on, I gather....
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Work, Work...and more Work....
So, I don't think I've mentioned much about my job here...I guess, I'll start now.
I have to say, I'm rather proud of myself but not satisfied; I'm never satisfied, but I don't think that's a bad thing. I started working at this sleep clinic around the end of August 2010, couple months after my undergrad career was successfully completed. It was kind of love at first sight lol.
It's a crazy, chaotic environment where people of all sorts walk through the door or come through the phone. This job has certainly been a test of my character and resilience and has made me a stronger, harder worker. This is a truth so much so that within a year of working here, I have been promoted to Team Leader; and apparently, I'm the first in a while because I've assumed so many responsibilities with poise and grace. Basically, I make the job look easy.
From the middle to end of last year, the company saw a plethora of changes that really impacted all employees. We had a huge turn-over to the point that almost NONE of the people that were there when I started are there anymore. These people aren't there, not because they moved on with their lives (maybe one or two), but because when the tough got going they got the hell outta here!! Some weren't so lucky to make that choice. Nonetheless, we ended the year with a brand new team with the disadvantage of having to be trained at the same time.
In that time, I've learned to deal with different temperaments and how to temper my own emotions. Managing a group of people, (and females at that), is not the easiest thing in the world. I've ha to convince my supervisor to fire somebody because I knew she wouldn't cut it. That in itself was a challenge for the simple fact that my supervisor had to be convinced although I thought it was quite obvious. I had to learn to bite my tongue and have a poker face.
Finally, she saw how unsuited this girl was and let her go last week. I made an excellent judgment call on that one, I'll tell ya. It took for the whole team to complain about her (in the most professional sense, of course) and for my supervisor to have to deal with this girl directly for her to be let go.
The professional world either isn't as cut-throat as I always thought it'd be or my supervisor is a loon (strong case for this theory). Either way, I think if I can make it here and be as well-respected as I am, I can make it anywhere I want to go.
...the problem is figuring out where the hell I wanna go....
I have to say, I'm rather proud of myself but not satisfied; I'm never satisfied, but I don't think that's a bad thing. I started working at this sleep clinic around the end of August 2010, couple months after my undergrad career was successfully completed. It was kind of love at first sight lol.
It's a crazy, chaotic environment where people of all sorts walk through the door or come through the phone. This job has certainly been a test of my character and resilience and has made me a stronger, harder worker. This is a truth so much so that within a year of working here, I have been promoted to Team Leader; and apparently, I'm the first in a while because I've assumed so many responsibilities with poise and grace. Basically, I make the job look easy.
From the middle to end of last year, the company saw a plethora of changes that really impacted all employees. We had a huge turn-over to the point that almost NONE of the people that were there when I started are there anymore. These people aren't there, not because they moved on with their lives (maybe one or two), but because when the tough got going they got the hell outta here!! Some weren't so lucky to make that choice. Nonetheless, we ended the year with a brand new team with the disadvantage of having to be trained at the same time.
In that time, I've learned to deal with different temperaments and how to temper my own emotions. Managing a group of people, (and females at that), is not the easiest thing in the world. I've ha to convince my supervisor to fire somebody because I knew she wouldn't cut it. That in itself was a challenge for the simple fact that my supervisor had to be convinced although I thought it was quite obvious. I had to learn to bite my tongue and have a poker face.
Finally, she saw how unsuited this girl was and let her go last week. I made an excellent judgment call on that one, I'll tell ya. It took for the whole team to complain about her (in the most professional sense, of course) and for my supervisor to have to deal with this girl directly for her to be let go.
The professional world either isn't as cut-throat as I always thought it'd be or my supervisor is a loon (strong case for this theory). Either way, I think if I can make it here and be as well-respected as I am, I can make it anywhere I want to go.
...the problem is figuring out where the hell I wanna go....
Monday, January 2, 2012
New Dawn, New Day, New Year...and I'm feelin......
First off, I'd like to shout out to one of my best friends ever in the universe: Sherwin. I may have shouted him out before, but if you haven't already please go take a look at his blog: http://shrwnlong.blogspot.com/. He's one of the sickest individuals I've met who makes love to his work and that's why it is always amazing. He's a huge inspiration to me in so many ways but mostly just by being my friend; I feel like I can do anything cuz he always has my back.
That picture on my profile is one of his works. I'm so flattered by it, and it's one of my all time favorite pieces.
On another note, the new year.
I haven't really sat down to think of my resolutions or write them down, but I guess now is as good a time as any.
#1. Get organized in every sense of the word.
#2. Make more time for me.
#3. Remain true.
#4. Meditate more often, hopefully by the end of the year it will be religiously.
#5. Don't lose sight of what I'm here for and don't get discouraged.
#6. Taking care of me: mentally, physically and spiritually.
#7. Remember to come from a place of love.
#8. Don't take anything too seriously and always find a way to enjoy whatever it is I'm doing.
#9. Be less judgmental & have more patience.
#10. Be the change I want to see.
These are all derived from the basic way I intend to live my life anyway, and also things I've gathered from this past year. Nothing too crazy, everything very realistic. I may already be practicing some of these already as I've indicated.
Happy New Year to all, may things work out the way they should and not necessarily the way you want. I hope you learn as is my hope for myself. Life is a learning experience, think of every hardship and achievement as a lesson learned and banked so that now you are richer.
That picture on my profile is one of his works. I'm so flattered by it, and it's one of my all time favorite pieces.
On another note, the new year.
I haven't really sat down to think of my resolutions or write them down, but I guess now is as good a time as any.
#1. Get organized in every sense of the word.
#2. Make more time for me.
#3. Remain true.
#4. Meditate more often, hopefully by the end of the year it will be religiously.
#5. Don't lose sight of what I'm here for and don't get discouraged.
#6. Taking care of me: mentally, physically and spiritually.
#7. Remember to come from a place of love.
#8. Don't take anything too seriously and always find a way to enjoy whatever it is I'm doing.
#9. Be less judgmental & have more patience.
#10. Be the change I want to see.
These are all derived from the basic way I intend to live my life anyway, and also things I've gathered from this past year. Nothing too crazy, everything very realistic. I may already be practicing some of these already as I've indicated.
Happy New Year to all, may things work out the way they should and not necessarily the way you want. I hope you learn as is my hope for myself. Life is a learning experience, think of every hardship and achievement as a lesson learned and banked so that now you are richer.
Friday, November 25, 2011
Happy Turkey Day
11.25.11 Friday @2:10am
Tonight was Thanksgiving, my favorite holiday. It’s a day to reflect and be thankful for what we have. I like the way a couple of my friends put it: “Don't understand how everyone is thankful all of a sudden, when they spend 11 months and 29 days complaining on facebook and twitter about any stupid lil thing and on this one day everything changes? Talk about fake... (jus keepin it real)”
Talk about just keeping it real…Lately, by lately I mean these past few months, I’ve been really thinking about what I already have and focusing my attention on being grateful for that. Today was almost a summation of what I’ve been reflecting on during that time. I am eternally grateful for my family and close circle of friends that seem to be everlasting facets of my very short, perhaps insignificant time here.
One thing I’ve come to realize is that, although I say how grateful I am for the relationship I had with a certain member of the opposite sex, I don’t think I’m being entirely honest with myself. Ending this relationship has been such a hassle, mostly for the same mistakes I made during the actual time we were together. To list a few: being way too nice, acting without any expectation of reciprocity, hoping for the best, building up a high level of tolerance for foolishness and ignorance, and just being generally accepting of almost anything.
I’m not saying it’s wrong to do some of the things mentioned on that list, but I’ve learned not all people are deserving of these things from me. Not to say that I can judge what another is to receive from my spirit, but I can consciously decide what is serving and not serving.
The ex in this story is like a black hole for any and all energy that comes close to it. For anyone that meets me, even briefly, that person can immediately deduce from an encounter that I am generally full of energy. A black hole for energy and me together cannot possibly work out; you would have to considerably understand black holes. To sum things up, I spent the last 4.75 yrs having my energy fully and completely drained by this thirsty energy vampire whose only purpose is to consume.
It is taking a fair amount of time to reach a moving on point where I can be genuinely happy that I’m not being sucked dry anymore. There is, however, at times a feeling of unfinished business like we’ll never be done with each other. Perhaps it is the pull of the irresistible gravitational field surrounding this particular black hole of an ex. It had already got me and there seemed no escape. What happened after I got sucked into that black hole and my body was disseminated into tiny particles no longer forming the me that I once knew?
I’d say the only escape from this appeared to be to go right through the center, possibly increasing the mass of the black hole but inevitably weakening the force field around it. This would help others in the future I’m sure, but what happened to me? I broke down, dematerialized and was nonexistent in this world as that person. On the other side of that hole was a gaping, wide new existence, a big bang if you will. Something to create and form a new me with all the same particles (maybe some new, and maybe getting rid of a few); leaving behind whatever I don’t need and taking with me what I will.
I guess the reason that I’m having trouble accepting this is because I may still be shaken up from the impact of the collision my field and his. After all, I do still get aftershocks, and those are terrible. Maybe, just maybe, I’m finally going to be able to just not feel those vibrations anymore. When that day comes, it will be a regular, happy day because neither the presence nor absence will even be a thought.
I will be more thankful for this relationship once I feel that it is completely over in its entirety and that I have only love but no ill feelings towards this individual. Certain aspects are over, and I have gone through the center and my particles seem to be reorganizing fairly well. Now to escape this field by increasing the positive energy I’m receiving, breaking out of orbit and traveling faster than the speed of light never to look back.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Moi...!!?? ...yeap u bub....
I find "About Me" sections in any form to be quite daunting and character-limiting (I'm sure that it's not a word but I'm sure ya get me ;] ). How am I supposed to describe myself...? School always told you to be as clear and succinct as possible, unless we're being poetic (sometimes)...There are things that give you a limit on how much you can even say....and most times we're not even sure what we should include..the most important things about who we are..It's hard for me to decide what's really important about me that I need to share...I ponder in what context people actually want to know about me, do we want to know more about one another???
I feel like who cares (ha! - didn't expect that...)...no, but seriously, who really cares to know about people for who we are...well I don't really know who does or doesn't..sometimes I care and other times I don't....But for anyone that cares, here are the things I guess I consider are pretty important to know if you ever wondered "about me":
So, the very most important thing in this world is that I stay true to myself. I need to know at least one person that I can count on if all else fails: me. I do put my trust into some people, but with experience the numbers are growing few. I have a core group of people who are very close to my heart. Some have always been there, some kind of just appeared as though they materialized from another life and we just continued on here. There are also the interims; those that come in your life for a period of time (short or long) but come and go, some never to return.
Like( insert word here ) (long, lost, forgotten, new, old, past, recent, true..etc.) loves....
I sincerely love love. I do not, however, go around looking for love like it's something that's lost and can never be found in this sea of nobodies, the hay that hides the needle of true "soul-mate" love...I recognize that without love for the self, one can never truly feel and have love; not sharing pure, unconditional love with another human anyway. Anyway, I love myself, I respect myself, I trust myself. These are things I've been working on my whole life and will only continue to do so. I can always trust myself more...and perhaps have a little more respect for that inner voice that can be so wise at times...but I always love myself. That's somethingno one can take from me.
I'm passionate about life, my life in particular. I love to learn and experience new things. But mostly I love my solitary time, my time with me. That's probably why I like Winter so much...but I love to be around people, strangely enough. I say that because I don't really consider myself a "people-person". I guess I am, I just don't like to be taken advantage of and I can be pretty naive a few moments out of any given day. Well, hey! wha dya expect?! We're all still learning on this crazy ride called life. Could happen to anybody...
I think that's pretty much the gist of who I am or what's important to me..the summed up "about me" blog...if ya care, gee thx you make me feel pretty special ^_^
I feel like who cares (ha! - didn't expect that...)...no, but seriously, who really cares to know about people for who we are...well I don't really know who does or doesn't..sometimes I care and other times I don't....But for anyone that cares, here are the things I guess I consider are pretty important to know if you ever wondered "about me":
So, the very most important thing in this world is that I stay true to myself. I need to know at least one person that I can count on if all else fails: me. I do put my trust into some people, but with experience the numbers are growing few. I have a core group of people who are very close to my heart. Some have always been there, some kind of just appeared as though they materialized from another life and we just continued on here. There are also the interims; those that come in your life for a period of time (short or long) but come and go, some never to return.
Like( insert word here ) (long, lost, forgotten, new, old, past, recent, true..etc.) loves....
I sincerely love love. I do not, however, go around looking for love like it's something that's lost and can never be found in this sea of nobodies, the hay that hides the needle of true "soul-mate" love...I recognize that without love for the self, one can never truly feel and have love; not sharing pure, unconditional love with another human anyway. Anyway, I love myself, I respect myself, I trust myself. These are things I've been working on my whole life and will only continue to do so. I can always trust myself more...and perhaps have a little more respect for that inner voice that can be so wise at times...but I always love myself. That's something
I'm passionate about life, my life in particular. I love to learn and experience new things. But mostly I love my solitary time, my time with me. That's probably why I like Winter so much...but I love to be around people, strangely enough. I say that because I don't really consider myself a "people-person". I guess I am, I just don't like to be taken advantage of and I can be pretty naive a few moments out of any given day. Well, hey! wha dya expect?! We're all still learning on this crazy ride called life. Could happen to anybody...
I think that's pretty much the gist of who I am or what's important to me..the summed up "about me" blog...if ya care, gee thx you make me feel pretty special ^_^
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Everyone is trying to accomplish something big, not realizing that life is made up of little things. - Frank A Clark
I like quotes...other people's ideas on what life is/means immortalized by the concurrence of another choosing that same idea...very interesting people and quotes...
I like this one in particular because it reminds me of one of my best friends. He's an artist, this friend of mine, and a very good one at that. You can take a look here and see for yourself. I've known him for what seems a lifetime or more, but maybe it's been about 13 years. That's more than half my life so far....a long time to know a person...the best part about him is getting to know him. He's probably one of the realest, most true to heart, straightforward people out there.
I have never, and I mean NEVER, known anybody quite like this kid. He's always been smart and funny and very creative. Just recently he's really been putting in work as an artist, making a name for himself and really broadening his horizons. He shares very similar views about the world that I do (I guess that's one reason we've gotten so close). I just love spending time with him because I can always be myself with him and we can just sit around and do almost nothing and have the best time.
He's a person who reminds me that even while on the path to achieving the great goals some of us set for ourselves, the most meaningful and wonderful moments can be the minutes spent with a good friend in laughter or even just the company. So I guess, not only is he trying to accomplish something big with his work, but he still understands that the little moments that life brings us can be what inspires us most, which we can then incorporate into our big dreams.
He will go far. I'm not just saying that because he's my friend, but because I've seen how far he has already come and how much he is open to now. This is only the beginning, he has so much more to offer the world...and how grateful am I to be able to call him my friend...
I like this one in particular because it reminds me of one of my best friends. He's an artist, this friend of mine, and a very good one at that. You can take a look here and see for yourself. I've known him for what seems a lifetime or more, but maybe it's been about 13 years. That's more than half my life so far....a long time to know a person...the best part about him is getting to know him. He's probably one of the realest, most true to heart, straightforward people out there.
I have never, and I mean NEVER, known anybody quite like this kid. He's always been smart and funny and very creative. Just recently he's really been putting in work as an artist, making a name for himself and really broadening his horizons. He shares very similar views about the world that I do (I guess that's one reason we've gotten so close). I just love spending time with him because I can always be myself with him and we can just sit around and do almost nothing and have the best time.
He's a person who reminds me that even while on the path to achieving the great goals some of us set for ourselves, the most meaningful and wonderful moments can be the minutes spent with a good friend in laughter or even just the company. So I guess, not only is he trying to accomplish something big with his work, but he still understands that the little moments that life brings us can be what inspires us most, which we can then incorporate into our big dreams.
He will go far. I'm not just saying that because he's my friend, but because I've seen how far he has already come and how much he is open to now. This is only the beginning, he has so much more to offer the world...and how grateful am I to be able to call him my friend...
To each of us, friendship has a different meaning. For all of us, it is a gift.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Maybe sometimes...new love can stem from old love...right??...
Well....let me just start by saying this: Surprises are more fun than expectations, and I very much like to be surprised. This can sometimes be a weakness as much as I consider it to be a strength.
I found, in the process of what I considered to be the true end of a relationship that I thought had seen its day, that physical boundaries can prove to be difficult and daunting. To be so bonded with someone but to feel so disconnected can really stress a person out. In trying to let a distance wedge between us, it seemed a stronger bond kept growing. We decided to be friends and tested it...seemed to be going well; we began respecting each other and our boundaries as far as space. (Emphasis is put on "began" to imply that this is something we never really built in our foundation.) This new feeling, however, was emerging from this mutual respect and any tense feelings seemed to just dissolve as if into a light mist; one that is still very much there but it's presence is just barely noticeable.
It was like discovering something new. To stem from a couple posts ago, perhaps it is possible that not only what I desire for myself to be found exists but that it can exist in this person where it seemed it was impossible. Once a person truly lets go of all her expectations and stops forcing her eyes to see something that isn't there or maybe it is but it's not the only thing, you can give that thing a chance to grow and blossom into something you never anticipated.
Maybe that's how love is supposed to be: completely unexpected, unconditonal (so as not to be restricted because then it cannot grow), and brand new everytime because it's not limited to one view/one side/simple qualities. These feelings can get overwhelming sometimes, but they can be so wonderful as well. Though it is very important not to lose sight of yourself and what this all means in the moment, it is also important to just enjoy it for what it is.
I found, in the process of what I considered to be the true end of a relationship that I thought had seen its day, that physical boundaries can prove to be difficult and daunting. To be so bonded with someone but to feel so disconnected can really stress a person out. In trying to let a distance wedge between us, it seemed a stronger bond kept growing. We decided to be friends and tested it...seemed to be going well; we began respecting each other and our boundaries as far as space. (Emphasis is put on "began" to imply that this is something we never really built in our foundation.) This new feeling, however, was emerging from this mutual respect and any tense feelings seemed to just dissolve as if into a light mist; one that is still very much there but it's presence is just barely noticeable.
It was like discovering something new. To stem from a couple posts ago, perhaps it is possible that not only what I desire for myself to be found exists but that it can exist in this person where it seemed it was impossible. Once a person truly lets go of all her expectations and stops forcing her eyes to see something that isn't there or maybe it is but it's not the only thing, you can give that thing a chance to grow and blossom into something you never anticipated.
Maybe that's how love is supposed to be: completely unexpected, unconditonal (so as not to be restricted because then it cannot grow), and brand new everytime because it's not limited to one view/one side/simple qualities. These feelings can get overwhelming sometimes, but they can be so wonderful as well. Though it is very important not to lose sight of yourself and what this all means in the moment, it is also important to just enjoy it for what it is.
Love is a most complex thing, but it can also be the root of the simplest ecstasy.
Saturday, December 25, 2010
So...it's Christmas...
This isn't the first christmas I've had without a tree or any gifts to give anyone...it's hard feeling like you have nothing but have to give everything. I honestly don't know why and how people are able to do this without destroying themselves completely. I did buy one person a gift this year, my 3-yr-old goddaughter Jaslene, though she won't get til tomorrow probably.
What I wouldn't give sometimes just to be a child again, to just get things because you were a child and have everything be all about you. That is the biggest mistake in raising children, but how can we stop it we just want them to know they mean everything to us, right? That's why we give them the world and it's so hard not to, I imagine anyway. I don't have any actual children of my own, not yet anyway...
What's even more messed up is that we'll give a child everything and say that they deserved it or whatever because most people believe the real world works on a merit system. Perhaps it does, personally I don't think it should...and I've seen people work their entire lives to leave their children and grandchildren with bills, instead of trust funds. So, maybe this whole idea of the more work you do the more you will be monetarily rewarded should not be fed to our children. People get what they get because they believe it's what they deserve, not necessarily because they deserve it....Maybe I'll go more into detail the next time I post....
What I wouldn't give sometimes just to be a child again, to just get things because you were a child and have everything be all about you. That is the biggest mistake in raising children, but how can we stop it we just want them to know they mean everything to us, right? That's why we give them the world and it's so hard not to, I imagine anyway. I don't have any actual children of my own, not yet anyway...
What's even more messed up is that we'll give a child everything and say that they deserved it or whatever because most people believe the real world works on a merit system. Perhaps it does, personally I don't think it should...and I've seen people work their entire lives to leave their children and grandchildren with bills, instead of trust funds. So, maybe this whole idea of the more work you do the more you will be monetarily rewarded should not be fed to our children. People get what they get because they believe it's what they deserve, not necessarily because they deserve it....Maybe I'll go more into detail the next time I post....
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Things that make me go hmmm....today at least..
Today, I went to a friend's art show where there was showcased different pieces in a nice sized room. This friend has been in my life for quite sometime and has just recently become inspiration for me as well.
Among the many different ways he has inspired me, today he introduced me to an array of people. One, though, really stood out. I'm always amazed when I meet fascinating people in the world who recognize the insanities and chaos and vibrate so brightly.
I'll come back to that, but this is kind of important as well. One way I've dealt with emotions has been to talk with my greatest & truest love, besides myself, my mother. She suggested in one conversation that I write down the qualities and characteristics I think are important in a relationship. She also suggested I write the things I don't want, but the way I see it whatever you put out into the universe you're also manifesting. The idea of it is the seedling; in essence, I'd be looking for a partner with all those good qualities and the bad ones to be expected...sorta...bare with me here this is an idea in progress...
Anywho, I made my list with only positives, and if anything negative popped into my head I immediately thought of the positive way to think of any bad qualities without actually thinking of them. I cannot describe to you this process, I just used the power of intent...which isn't a good explanation either, but the process here is not what's important.
I wrote these qualities down and I decided that the person the universe has in store for me will have these qualities, possibly others I may not have thought of, though I know that these are qualities that are quite subjective to me. Which is why I've also decided that there can be such a thing as a person made for you, so to speak. I think we spend alot of the time looking for a prototype of "perfection" but then we literally take what we can get for the most part. People share a connection and think BAM this is it I'm in love, my life belongs to you...No, no, no...share the connection, yes, but recognize who you are what you need, and once that relationship has met it's need do not drag it out. There is so much more I can say just in relation to that alone, but I will continue on to the relevance of the first paragraph.
So, I'm not in love and I haven't met the man of my dreams, but this guy I met gave me hope that that man exists and it can be ANYONE. Just because I meet a person who has some good qualities and I share a connection does not mean I must be with them forever and always, though my love will last that long. I will allow this energy to be shared and see where it goes, that is truly where the excitement lies. Also, expectations will disappoint you..do you do everything you even expect of yourself, let alone everyone else who expects you to be how they view you...Is this fair to you?...Do you think it's fair for you to do the same to another person??..
Here it is: hmmmmm....
Among the many different ways he has inspired me, today he introduced me to an array of people. One, though, really stood out. I'm always amazed when I meet fascinating people in the world who recognize the insanities and chaos and vibrate so brightly.
I'll come back to that, but this is kind of important as well. One way I've dealt with emotions has been to talk with my greatest & truest love, besides myself, my mother. She suggested in one conversation that I write down the qualities and characteristics I think are important in a relationship. She also suggested I write the things I don't want, but the way I see it whatever you put out into the universe you're also manifesting. The idea of it is the seedling; in essence, I'd be looking for a partner with all those good qualities and the bad ones to be expected...sorta...bare with me here this is an idea in progress...
Anywho, I made my list with only positives, and if anything negative popped into my head I immediately thought of the positive way to think of any bad qualities without actually thinking of them. I cannot describe to you this process, I just used the power of intent...which isn't a good explanation either, but the process here is not what's important.
I wrote these qualities down and I decided that the person the universe has in store for me will have these qualities, possibly others I may not have thought of, though I know that these are qualities that are quite subjective to me. Which is why I've also decided that there can be such a thing as a person made for you, so to speak. I think we spend alot of the time looking for a prototype of "perfection" but then we literally take what we can get for the most part. People share a connection and think BAM this is it I'm in love, my life belongs to you...No, no, no...share the connection, yes, but recognize who you are what you need, and once that relationship has met it's need do not drag it out. There is so much more I can say just in relation to that alone, but I will continue on to the relevance of the first paragraph.
So, I'm not in love and I haven't met the man of my dreams, but this guy I met gave me hope that that man exists and it can be ANYONE. Just because I meet a person who has some good qualities and I share a connection does not mean I must be with them forever and always, though my love will last that long. I will allow this energy to be shared and see where it goes, that is truly where the excitement lies. Also, expectations will disappoint you..do you do everything you even expect of yourself, let alone everyone else who expects you to be how they view you...Is this fair to you?...Do you think it's fair for you to do the same to another person??..
Here it is: hmmmmm....
Friday, December 3, 2010
...Separate Rooms...
Wow...though this whole process has really sucked from the beginning of this breakup, this part is the hardest. Well, first of all we're living together...if I didn't mention that in my last post...we have a spare room and it has been the plan that one of us would move into that room for quite some time prior to the breakup. It's indeed been a challenge knowing something is ending inevitably, and there's absolutely nothing you can nor want to do to stop it. All we can ever do is hope for the best and find the good in what seemed bad. Recognize the bad, but then let it go. Release yourself.
It took me a month to be able to not need to sleep in the same bed with him; but then it hit me one night that I was still expected to meet certain obligations which, if you asked him, I was neglecting at that time. I mentioned the idea of us separating because of the struggle it began to impose on me. Things were getting harder to deal with and I was starting to hate him which is the last thing I want to do. I believe if you truly love a person you never stop, though the relationship may change and the intensity as well. He was hurt, naturally, by me bringing up him going to the other room. The way I saw it and still do: I suffered and yes by my own naive choices but he invaded my space and I allowed him in, I trusted him with my whole being. He's betrayed me in many different ways, from the smallest little white lie to downright insensitivity. In realization of this, however, I began to see myself again and pull her to the forefront so she could handle this situation.
He basically threw a tantrum which lasted through a couple weeks. Starting with him literally throwing a tantrum, stomping his feet around, grabbing his things and throwing them into the other room, all the while murmuring obscenities and insults under his breath. I was so hurt by this but after it I only became even stronger. I let him back in one more time and he thought that was it we were together with no verbal authorization. **you know what they say when you assume: you make an a$$ outta you and me** But everything told me to look up even still...especially my horoscope. Some people wholeheartedly believe in horoscopes like others believe in the Bible. I'm one of those in-betweens who just let life work in their favor, the universe hears my requests and feels what I put out there. I trust what I put out, I trust myself, I love myself. Anyway, I resolved within myself to not hurt because he's hurt; he's hurt me and his hurt is not my pain. I can only help myself, I can only make myself feel and even emotions I'm just learning to control. How can I imagine for one second that I am responsible and can manipulate another's emotions without their consent?! It is only because I allowed him to hurt me that he was able.
He gave me attitude, I became indifferent. I was not a jerk nor was I overly accommodating to the point I compromised anything. He could not and refused to compromise with me, though I have for years with him and myself. The difference, I don't blame him. He didn't trick me into anything, everything I did was of my own volition. Then one day he knocked on my door and, skipping to the point, we cried together and we forgave each other. It was beautiful.
My new bed comes in the mail tomorrow and we officially have our own rooms. We acknowledged to each other that we will always love the other no matter what. We honor each other. It will be a challenge, and everyone says it won't be easy. The fact of the matter is that the others only know from their yard sticks, I have heard parts of their own stories and I now have a chance to show them what I've learned from all of them and on my own, even though I have nothing to prove to anyone. Nothing has to be difficult, how we perceive things is all in the mind's eye. In a world that pretends to be so objective, it really has quite a subjective view. A person can try to understand another person as much as possible, but you can never see through that other person's eyes. You can't prevent them from feeling their own feelings either. You only have power over yourself; and you only should have power over yourself. period. I
It took me a month to be able to not need to sleep in the same bed with him; but then it hit me one night that I was still expected to meet certain obligations which, if you asked him, I was neglecting at that time. I mentioned the idea of us separating because of the struggle it began to impose on me. Things were getting harder to deal with and I was starting to hate him which is the last thing I want to do. I believe if you truly love a person you never stop, though the relationship may change and the intensity as well. He was hurt, naturally, by me bringing up him going to the other room. The way I saw it and still do: I suffered and yes by my own naive choices but he invaded my space and I allowed him in, I trusted him with my whole being. He's betrayed me in many different ways, from the smallest little white lie to downright insensitivity. In realization of this, however, I began to see myself again and pull her to the forefront so she could handle this situation.
He basically threw a tantrum which lasted through a couple weeks. Starting with him literally throwing a tantrum, stomping his feet around, grabbing his things and throwing them into the other room, all the while murmuring obscenities and insults under his breath. I was so hurt by this but after it I only became even stronger. I let him back in one more time and he thought that was it we were together with no verbal authorization. **you know what they say when you assume: you make an a$$ outta you and me** But everything told me to look up even still...especially my horoscope. Some people wholeheartedly believe in horoscopes like others believe in the Bible. I'm one of those in-betweens who just let life work in their favor, the universe hears my requests and feels what I put out there. I trust what I put out, I trust myself, I love myself. Anyway, I resolved within myself to not hurt because he's hurt; he's hurt me and his hurt is not my pain. I can only help myself, I can only make myself feel and even emotions I'm just learning to control. How can I imagine for one second that I am responsible and can manipulate another's emotions without their consent?! It is only because I allowed him to hurt me that he was able.
He gave me attitude, I became indifferent. I was not a jerk nor was I overly accommodating to the point I compromised anything. He could not and refused to compromise with me, though I have for years with him and myself. The difference, I don't blame him. He didn't trick me into anything, everything I did was of my own volition. Then one day he knocked on my door and, skipping to the point, we cried together and we forgave each other. It was beautiful.
My new bed comes in the mail tomorrow and we officially have our own rooms. We acknowledged to each other that we will always love the other no matter what. We honor each other. It will be a challenge, and everyone says it won't be easy. The fact of the matter is that the others only know from their yard sticks, I have heard parts of their own stories and I now have a chance to show them what I've learned from all of them and on my own, even though I have nothing to prove to anyone. Nothing has to be difficult, how we perceive things is all in the mind's eye. In a world that pretends to be so objective, it really has quite a subjective view. A person can try to understand another person as much as possible, but you can never see through that other person's eyes. You can't prevent them from feeling their own feelings either. You only have power over yourself; and you only should have power over yourself. period. I
Saturday, November 27, 2010
..Relationships...
A blog about relationships *gasp*...you can sense my sarcasm no doubt. I imagine there must be gazillions of blogs about relationships and how to make them better, what's the problem/how to fix it, what he likes/what she needs, a million and one new sex positions (yeah ok), etc., etc....I'm not gonna pretend like I'm perfect or even know how to fix anyone else's problems but my own...and even sometimes that takes a miracle.
I was in a relationship..scratch that: am in a relationship with a boy. I've known this boy for sometime now; it's been about 4 years since we discovered each other's existence and about 3.5 yrs since we agreed to a monogamous relationship. I guess I'll start here, this last year...
It was the end from the beginning. Why did I stay?...as many would put it: it's complicated...or at least it was until I began to take a very obsessive, you could even call it intrusive interest in myself. I forced myself into thinking with my eyes wide open and facing every fear in the world of being hurt, feeling lonely and well, being alone. I put my foot down and realized how much damage I had allowed this relationship to do to my spirit. I had lost myself for a time, then came back and thought I was stronger than ever; I had begun to change for the better having more confidence in myself in every aspect of the word, having more respect for myself, and even my work was looking a million times better. Everything was healthier with the exception of him.
I've learned when looking for a change in someone else, you are only looking for a change within you. Everything I had an issue with in him was really my issues with myself. Why couldn't I stand up to him? Out of fear that he'd leave??...Well, that meant I was beginning to compromise myself in order to appease and comfort someone else who appeared to be in need of those things so he could be happy. Then, I had to ask myself who was I to tell him what he needed, especially when I'm not so sure what I need myself? And was I happy?!
It took for us to go through a lot of arguing and discomfort, which even after some understanding took place was nothing less than awkward. A relationship should never be like this. A wise man once told me: "a relationship should be easy." And it has been my own conclusion that if one finds themselves looking or waiting for the potential in someone to show, you're already asking too much of yourself as well as the individual.
No one is perfect, this concept I understand in immense detail, does not mean that there is no one who is not perfectly imperfect for you. I get this now, and it's one thing if there are small things one will tolerate of their partner but it's an entirely different ballgame to constantly have to struggle to find the good in another just because you love them. Love is NOT the only aspect to a relationship, one has to love themselves and be a whole individual--->Another huge lesson I've learned. People will say I've known these things all along, but then act as though they have never heard it...it's because a lesson is only truly learned through understanding. Just because you know something does not imply you understand it. I memorized a bunch of things I never understood, but now I guess I can say I'm actually learning with life....
I'd like to mention that I know and understand that this is not the simplest task because sometimes the desire to love another can be so overwhelming. It is when you recognize the control you have over the choices you make that your life will begin to change. Mine has already begun to change in so many different ways, more positive than negative in the healthiest of ways. Next step: completely separate rooms. Wish me luck!
I was in a relationship..scratch that: am in a relationship with a boy. I've known this boy for sometime now; it's been about 4 years since we discovered each other's existence and about 3.5 yrs since we agreed to a monogamous relationship. I guess I'll start here, this last year...
It was the end from the beginning. Why did I stay?...as many would put it: it's complicated...or at least it was until I began to take a very obsessive, you could even call it intrusive interest in myself. I forced myself into thinking with my eyes wide open and facing every fear in the world of being hurt, feeling lonely and well, being alone. I put my foot down and realized how much damage I had allowed this relationship to do to my spirit. I had lost myself for a time, then came back and thought I was stronger than ever; I had begun to change for the better having more confidence in myself in every aspect of the word, having more respect for myself, and even my work was looking a million times better. Everything was healthier with the exception of him.
I've learned when looking for a change in someone else, you are only looking for a change within you. Everything I had an issue with in him was really my issues with myself. Why couldn't I stand up to him? Out of fear that he'd leave??...Well, that meant I was beginning to compromise myself in order to appease and comfort someone else who appeared to be in need of those things so he could be happy. Then, I had to ask myself who was I to tell him what he needed, especially when I'm not so sure what I need myself? And was I happy?!
It took for us to go through a lot of arguing and discomfort, which even after some understanding took place was nothing less than awkward. A relationship should never be like this. A wise man once told me: "a relationship should be easy." And it has been my own conclusion that if one finds themselves looking or waiting for the potential in someone to show, you're already asking too much of yourself as well as the individual.
No one is perfect, this concept I understand in immense detail, does not mean that there is no one who is not perfectly imperfect for you. I get this now, and it's one thing if there are small things one will tolerate of their partner but it's an entirely different ballgame to constantly have to struggle to find the good in another just because you love them. Love is NOT the only aspect to a relationship, one has to love themselves and be a whole individual--->Another huge lesson I've learned. People will say I've known these things all along, but then act as though they have never heard it...it's because a lesson is only truly learned through understanding. Just because you know something does not imply you understand it. I memorized a bunch of things I never understood, but now I guess I can say I'm actually learning with life....
I'd like to mention that I know and understand that this is not the simplest task because sometimes the desire to love another can be so overwhelming. It is when you recognize the control you have over the choices you make that your life will begin to change. Mine has already begun to change in so many different ways, more positive than negative in the healthiest of ways. Next step: completely separate rooms. Wish me luck!
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