..Relationships...

A blog about relationships *gasp*...you can sense my sarcasm no doubt.  I imagine there must be gazillions of blogs about relationships and how to make them better, what's the problem/how to fix it, what he likes/what she needs, a million and one new sex positions (yeah ok), etc., etc....I'm not gonna pretend like I'm perfect or even know how to fix anyone else's problems but my own...and even sometimes that takes a miracle.

I was in a relationship..scratch that: am in a relationship with a boy.  I've known this boy for sometime now; it's been about 4 years since we discovered each other's existence and about 3.5 yrs since we agreed to a monogamous relationship.  I guess I'll start here, this last year...

It was the end from the beginning.  Why did I stay?...as many would put it: it's complicated...or at least it was until I began to take a very obsessive, you could even call it intrusive interest in myself.  I forced myself into thinking with my eyes wide open and facing every fear in the world of being hurt, feeling lonely and well, being alone.  I put my foot down and realized how much damage I had allowed this relationship to do to my spirit.  I had lost myself for a time, then came back and thought I was stronger than ever; I had begun to change for the better having more confidence in myself in every aspect of the word, having more respect for myself, and even my work was looking a million times better.  Everything was healthier with the exception of him.  

I've learned when looking for a change in someone else, you are only looking for a change within you.  Everything I had an issue with in him was really my issues with myself.  Why couldn't I stand up to him?  Out of fear that he'd leave??...Well, that meant I was beginning to compromise myself in order to appease and comfort someone else who appeared to be in need of those things so he could be happy.  Then, I had to ask myself who was I to tell him what he needed, especially when I'm not so sure what I need myself?  And was I happy?!

It took for us to go through a lot of arguing and discomfort, which even after some understanding took place was nothing less than awkward.  A relationship should never be like this.  A wise man once told me: "a relationship should be easy."  And it has been my own conclusion that if one finds themselves looking or waiting for the potential in someone to show, you're already asking too much of yourself as well as the individual. 

No one is perfect, this concept I understand in immense detail, does not mean that there is no one who is not perfectly imperfect for you.  I get this now, and it's one thing if there are small things one will tolerate of their partner but it's an entirely different ballgame to constantly have to struggle to find the good in another just because you love them.  Love is NOT the only aspect to a relationship, one has to love themselves and be a whole individual--->Another huge lesson I've learned.  People will say I've known these things all along, but then act as though they have never heard it...it's because a lesson is only truly learned through understanding.  Just because you know something does not imply you understand it.  I memorized a bunch of things I never understood, but now I guess I can say I'm actually learning with life....

I'd like to mention that I know and understand that this is not the simplest task because sometimes the desire to love another can be so overwhelming.  It is when you recognize the control you have over the choices you make that your life will begin to change.  Mine has already begun to change in so many different ways, more positive than negative in the healthiest of ways.  Next step: completely separate rooms.  Wish me luck!