If you could do anything with your life, your energy, your time, what exactly would you do?? I'm not sure if I could truly answer that, given that I can't think of making any moves without thinking of my being bond to responsibilities such as bills and loans that I'm tied to for who-knows-how-long...suffice it to say, I don't even feel that I am privileged enough to think about what I'd do if I could.
I had never thought that I even had a passion for life when I was younger. My job was just to go to school, get the good grades, and get in to college. My senior year of high school is when people started probing the idea of "what I wanted to do with my life". All I knew was that I was good at school, thought maybe a psychologist since I did well in our Intro class senior year, and I certainly didn't want to be a psychiatrist because of the history of drug addiction in my family. Once I got into college, (on a four year academic scholarship to a very good school), everything happened in a flash. I already didn't really have an idea of where I wanted to be. In high school, for a brief moment, I dreamed of being a dancer, that is until I dislocated my knee and realized the impermanence of such a career - I didn't have the guts to pursue it all or nothing, and I didn't think I was that great, to be perfectly honest. What I did know, up until college, was that I was smart.
Let me tell you how far "smart" goes when you're at a school like Boston University. I still get mad at myself for the time I wasted there trying to figure out just who the hell I was,and not in the best ways I might add. I didn't even have "dream schools" just safety's because as much as they tried to shove it all down my throat in junior and senior year, I didn't understand the importance of going somewhere that mattered to me. I just wanted to go somewhere close enough to home, but far enough where I could live on campus (which cost me a pretty penny). I was afraid of real life, I felt completely unprepared; and I went to literally one of the best exam schools in New England, that someone like me coming from where I'm from could get access to without having money.
I quickly made a slew of bad choices, which led me places I'd never opt to go again, I lost myself. I don't believe in pointing fingers, but I will say I was young and searching for some kind of validation I wasn't getting. I felt betrayed, criminalized, hopeless. Forget school, forget dance, barely made and/or kept friends; I was tumbling rapidly into darkness. I thought someone would come and save me, from the horrors I allowed myself, the venom I swallowed because I believed I had nothing. The world would have had me go on believing that lie too, even those closest to me. I can't exactly explain what happened to me, or what I let happen. What I can tell you is that this was the first time I stopped listening to everyone else, and heard the metaphorical voice on the inside commanding me to give myself another chance at life.
That's where the death of the old me began, and the person I am today began to emerge. This is the time that I began singeing my life from the outer edges like a book. Once I let the flame engulf everything I was, I watched the dis-ease, the negativity that I'd brought in my life erupt in tumult. I realized that the only way I could achieve order in my insane world was not to fight the chaos, but to become it. Somehow, I knew I could not burn myself any further than what I had; I stopped fearing what the flames could do. This is when I discovered how like the mighty phoenix I truly am. Once all had been properly scorched, it was time to start rebuilding.
During this time, I called my guard in, my warrior, my shield. He came with no hesitation. Since, I was still in such a delicate state, I needed protection and reassurance to restore my faith in myself. Who better to call upon than the one person who I could always count on to give sincere counsel, the one person who had always seen past my exterior into my soul. My Samurai walked through the battlefield, which was still bathed in my roaring flames just to be the armor I needed. At that time, I called him my best friend, my ride or die.
Time passed, and I began to forge my own armor composed of self love, compassion, self respect, as well as an inner strength and some wisdom. Characteristics I am still trying to embody on a daily basis. When my armor finally merged with my soul and became part of who I am, is when I was able to open myself up new possibilities of what I deserved and what I am capable of, my potential became more apparent to me. With all these discoveries, my Samurai stood ever present by my side, undeterrable, his loyalty to me unwavering, his faith in me unyielding. He helped me dust the ashes off and spread my majestic wings again.
With clarity and hope, I looked into his eyes and saw my truest, deepest reflection; here stood a pillar of strength, integrity, inspiration, determination, not to mention a soul so beautiful with a melody only I could hear. I don't know if you believe in fairy tales, and I can't say that this is that, but I can tell you I fell so deep in love. That love forever transformed my soul as we exchange our energies in all forms, our light expanding, our consciousness growing, our vibrations melding playing a symphony with ancient instruments derived from the oldest stardust in the cosmos.
Love of self is transformative, love of another is courageous. I decided long ago all I ever truly want is happiness. The love I found in me allowed me to love and be loved unconditionally. I feel like I am capable of greatness. I feel like I can change the world, at least by changing myself. The process has already begun. I feel like I have everything I could ever want and I'm so incredibly grateful.
I still have no clue where I'm going, but that's only because I'm focused on the now, doing what I can with what I have for those who can benefit, whose lives I can impact, work that I believe in. And I have the love of my life by my side. This happiness is the purest form of a blessing. "In life, it's not where you go---its who you travel with" and I am so honored to be sharing this journey with him.
Monday, March 10, 2014
Saturday, June 15, 2013
Love Me Like A River Does
The last 25 years have been a life. It's had ups and downs, countless memories happy and muddled with darkness and grays.
I like to consider myself a positive person, one that is generally happy. The happier I become, the harder life seems to get. It's almost as if I'm set up to fail, like I'm supposed to give up -- But I can't give up, I fight for myself to be the best person I can be, sometimes that requires altering everything I once thought myself to be.
We get so attached to these personalities of ours,. It's easy not to take responsibility for how we are and the choices we make. All we have to do when we fuck up is attribute it to "who we are"; "Oh sorry if I'm an asshole, that's just my personality that I'm not willing to even try to change because that would be more inconvenient for me to acknowledge that I'm not perfect." It's a very common occurrence. I've seen it in myself as I am very quick to anger and a bit too emotionally reactive, more than I'd like to admit. I let people affect my mood and disposition to the point that I have become emotionally dependent on others. I rely on frequencies outside of myself to alter my core being.
If I'm being honest, I don't think our "personalities" are who we truly are or potentially can be; I think that potential is who we should strive to be. I think these "personalities" are more or less the things we carry around from other sources but not from within. Ponder this, when we look outside ourselves we all become dependent on what I'll call "the other" to the point where we become addicted to people and their energies. Some of us are more aware than others; some of us are more affected than others.
We walk around like zombies radiating this negativity that says we are worthless and we look for those that give us value. This is our grave mistake, because if you really look at it, we are putting out this negativity in an attempt to attract something better. If we are all asleep putting out this frequency, how will we get what we are looking for. It must come from within, we must be the source for ourselves. It takes for a person to really wake to consciousness simply to be aware, then the real work begins.
It's not easy to change your mind or perspective, and have you ever contemplated this idea? Everything we are, our realities, all we've agreed upon, all of this is nothing more than someone's idea. When a decision is made to change your mind about something it is only natural that you are met with resistance. We are creatures of habit, but just because this is so, it does not necessitate the idea that we are unable to grow out of habit.
We must be like the river who flows ever so gently, forging a new way where we may be met with resistance. Think of how canyons are formed, water is gentle yet majestic and reigns supreme as the dominant life source. We cannot exist without it. Water always finds a way to flow, and over time, creates whole new paths where there was only walls of rock before. When our path changes, we have to be able to adjust ourselves to this path while retaining our core selves.
It is ok to not know who you are yet, or to not be done figuring out who you want to be. But let us make the choice to be the best we can be for ourselves, this will then yield to the best us we can be together. If we aren't so hard on ourselves and give ourselves a chance to see we are the music makers and the dreamers of dreams, then life will still be as challenging but we will still be able to choose happiness. We can be so happy together.
I like to consider myself a positive person, one that is generally happy. The happier I become, the harder life seems to get. It's almost as if I'm set up to fail, like I'm supposed to give up -- But I can't give up, I fight for myself to be the best person I can be, sometimes that requires altering everything I once thought myself to be.
We get so attached to these personalities of ours,. It's easy not to take responsibility for how we are and the choices we make. All we have to do when we fuck up is attribute it to "who we are"; "Oh sorry if I'm an asshole, that's just my personality that I'm not willing to even try to change because that would be more inconvenient for me to acknowledge that I'm not perfect." It's a very common occurrence. I've seen it in myself as I am very quick to anger and a bit too emotionally reactive, more than I'd like to admit. I let people affect my mood and disposition to the point that I have become emotionally dependent on others. I rely on frequencies outside of myself to alter my core being.
If I'm being honest, I don't think our "personalities" are who we truly are or potentially can be; I think that potential is who we should strive to be. I think these "personalities" are more or less the things we carry around from other sources but not from within. Ponder this, when we look outside ourselves we all become dependent on what I'll call "the other" to the point where we become addicted to people and their energies. Some of us are more aware than others; some of us are more affected than others.
We walk around like zombies radiating this negativity that says we are worthless and we look for those that give us value. This is our grave mistake, because if you really look at it, we are putting out this negativity in an attempt to attract something better. If we are all asleep putting out this frequency, how will we get what we are looking for. It must come from within, we must be the source for ourselves. It takes for a person to really wake to consciousness simply to be aware, then the real work begins.
It's not easy to change your mind or perspective, and have you ever contemplated this idea? Everything we are, our realities, all we've agreed upon, all of this is nothing more than someone's idea. When a decision is made to change your mind about something it is only natural that you are met with resistance. We are creatures of habit, but just because this is so, it does not necessitate the idea that we are unable to grow out of habit.
We must be like the river who flows ever so gently, forging a new way where we may be met with resistance. Think of how canyons are formed, water is gentle yet majestic and reigns supreme as the dominant life source. We cannot exist without it. Water always finds a way to flow, and over time, creates whole new paths where there was only walls of rock before. When our path changes, we have to be able to adjust ourselves to this path while retaining our core selves.
Nothing is softer or more flexible than water, yet nothing can resist it.-Lao Tzu
It is ok to not know who you are yet, or to not be done figuring out who you want to be. But let us make the choice to be the best we can be for ourselves, this will then yield to the best us we can be together. If we aren't so hard on ourselves and give ourselves a chance to see we are the music makers and the dreamers of dreams, then life will still be as challenging but we will still be able to choose happiness. We can be so happy together.
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
It's Driven Me Before And It Seems To Have A Vague Haunting Mass Appeal....
It's has been quite a while since I've written anything on this blog....Lately, let's say, I've been rather inspired by events and people, particularly the behaviors of people.
Now, unfortunately for me, I'm both annoyingly semantically meticulous as well as enthusiastically emotional; the latter, sometimes, is a morosely reactive state which can feel like I've lost all control. I feel as though as I've grown, I've gained more control over my emotions, and have the potential to achieve inner peace. There are, however, so manydistractions, some taking shape in the form of human interaction/relationships outside of myself.
I've always been an altruistic person, overly generous with my energies. When I was a senior in high school, I remember having a discussion with this highly intelligent young person, Rachel. Rachel and I were debating about whether or not altruism is a good thing, and we may have touched upon its inherent morality (or lack thereof, i.e. selfish motives). I was in favor of altruism while she argued that, although it's not necessarily a bad thing, it wasn't beneficial to be altruistic. It wasn't until recent years that I truly began understanding that a save-the-world mentality could be so detrimental to a person.
In my 25 years, I have given so much of my energy, devoted so much of my being for the interest and gain of others. Recently, I'm learning that I have a propensity to give so freely without any expectation that I have been losing so much of myself in the process. I have to learn to maintain a specific frequency of love and compassion within, so that when I choose to share I won't be depleting my own source.
When one depletes her own source of light, she vibrates at a lower level and then becomesdisoriented and life grows more difficult to decipher. When this happens, we can become enveloped in dramas that tend to play out in a way that we must learn a lesson. This is also why sometimes, certain challenges seem familiar, life is trying to send us a hint or reminder of that lesson we need to learn. Sometimes, life likes to test us on those lessons we thought we had learned.
When you're light is shining the brightest, life likes to put you indarkness to remind you that you have to create your own light in this world.
One lesson I'm continuously learning is that what other people think of me does not matter. No one has any power over me that I did not give to them willingly. This irrationalfear of losing control is exactly that: irrational, illogical, unreasonable. I only control myself insofar as I am able to turn the inner eye to make the changes I see fit. I can admit that I don't like to not be able to make people understand me. It's frustrating to think people can make up their own ideas of me that may not even be close to who I feel I am, my perception of myself. It's only frustrating due to my irrational fear that it matters what others, outside myself believe about me, someone who they can only know from their own subjective experiences with me; and no matter what I do, I cannot control the thoughts of others no matter how much I would like to be able influence them. I must be able to accept the things I cannot change, as well as care less about what others think and attempt not to form solid judgments about others. I need not to be distracted with the drivel of simple dramas when I am this multifaceted being living life in multidimensional spaces.
Now, unfortunately for me, I'm both annoyingly semantically meticulous as well as enthusiastically emotional; the latter, sometimes, is a morosely reactive state which can feel like I've lost all control. I feel as though as I've grown, I've gained more control over my emotions, and have the potential to achieve inner peace. There are, however, so many
I've always been an altruistic person, overly generous with my energies. When I was a senior in high school, I remember having a discussion with this highly intelligent young person, Rachel. Rachel and I were debating about whether or not altruism is a good thing, and we may have touched upon its inherent morality (or lack thereof, i.e. selfish motives). I was in favor of altruism while she argued that, although it's not necessarily a bad thing, it wasn't beneficial to be altruistic. It wasn't until recent years that I truly began understanding that a save-the-world mentality could be so detrimental to a person.
In my 25 years, I have given so much of my energy, devoted so much of my being for the interest and gain of others. Recently, I'm learning that I have a propensity to give so freely without any expectation that I have been losing so much of myself in the process. I have to learn to maintain a specific frequency of love and compassion within, so that when I choose to share I won't be depleting my own source.
When one depletes her own source of light, she vibrates at a lower level and then becomes
When you're light is shining the brightest, life likes to put you in
One lesson I'm continuously learning is that what other people think of me does not matter. No one has any power over me that I did not give to them willingly. This irrational
"I must not fear. Fear is the mind killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to past over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain."
Love is a much more interesting adventure and a much wiser use of my energy.
Saturday, January 28, 2012
February Baby
- FEBRUARY BABY
I'd say this is about right...not sure about the "learning to show emotions" or being "romantic on the inside rather than the outside" either. I feel like I wear my heart on my sleeve most days...I definitely feel ludicrous sometimes and I do love an aggressive male, but these things make life fun! Everything else is spot on, I gather....
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Work, Work...and more Work....
So, I don't think I've mentioned much about my job here...I guess, I'll start now.
I have to say, I'm rather proud of myself but not satisfied; I'm never satisfied, but I don't think that's a bad thing. I started working at this sleep clinic around the end of August 2010, couple months after my undergrad career was successfully completed. It was kind of love at first sight lol.
It's a crazy, chaotic environment where people of all sorts walk through the door or come through the phone. This job has certainly been a test of my character and resilience and has made me a stronger, harder worker. This is a truth so much so that within a year of working here, I have been promoted to Team Leader; and apparently, I'm the first in a while because I've assumed so many responsibilities with poise and grace. Basically, I make the job look easy.
From the middle to end of last year, the company saw a plethora of changes that really impacted all employees. We had a huge turn-over to the point that almost NONE of the people that were there when I started are there anymore. These people aren't there, not because they moved on with their lives (maybe one or two), but because when the tough got going they got the hell outta here!! Some weren't so lucky to make that choice. Nonetheless, we ended the year with a brand new team with the disadvantage of having to be trained at the same time.
In that time, I've learned to deal with different temperaments and how to temper my own emotions. Managing a group of people, (and females at that), is not the easiest thing in the world. I've ha to convince my supervisor to fire somebody because I knew she wouldn't cut it. That in itself was a challenge for the simple fact that my supervisor had to be convinced although I thought it was quite obvious. I had to learn to bite my tongue and have a poker face.
Finally, she saw how unsuited this girl was and let her go last week. I made an excellent judgment call on that one, I'll tell ya. It took for the whole team to complain about her (in the most professional sense, of course) and for my supervisor to have to deal with this girl directly for her to be let go.
The professional world either isn't as cut-throat as I always thought it'd be or my supervisor is a loon (strong case for this theory). Either way, I think if I can make it here and be as well-respected as I am, I can make it anywhere I want to go.
...the problem is figuring out where the hell I wanna go....
I have to say, I'm rather proud of myself but not satisfied; I'm never satisfied, but I don't think that's a bad thing. I started working at this sleep clinic around the end of August 2010, couple months after my undergrad career was successfully completed. It was kind of love at first sight lol.
It's a crazy, chaotic environment where people of all sorts walk through the door or come through the phone. This job has certainly been a test of my character and resilience and has made me a stronger, harder worker. This is a truth so much so that within a year of working here, I have been promoted to Team Leader; and apparently, I'm the first in a while because I've assumed so many responsibilities with poise and grace. Basically, I make the job look easy.
From the middle to end of last year, the company saw a plethora of changes that really impacted all employees. We had a huge turn-over to the point that almost NONE of the people that were there when I started are there anymore. These people aren't there, not because they moved on with their lives (maybe one or two), but because when the tough got going they got the hell outta here!! Some weren't so lucky to make that choice. Nonetheless, we ended the year with a brand new team with the disadvantage of having to be trained at the same time.
In that time, I've learned to deal with different temperaments and how to temper my own emotions. Managing a group of people, (and females at that), is not the easiest thing in the world. I've ha to convince my supervisor to fire somebody because I knew she wouldn't cut it. That in itself was a challenge for the simple fact that my supervisor had to be convinced although I thought it was quite obvious. I had to learn to bite my tongue and have a poker face.
Finally, she saw how unsuited this girl was and let her go last week. I made an excellent judgment call on that one, I'll tell ya. It took for the whole team to complain about her (in the most professional sense, of course) and for my supervisor to have to deal with this girl directly for her to be let go.
The professional world either isn't as cut-throat as I always thought it'd be or my supervisor is a loon (strong case for this theory). Either way, I think if I can make it here and be as well-respected as I am, I can make it anywhere I want to go.
...the problem is figuring out where the hell I wanna go....
Monday, January 2, 2012
New Dawn, New Day, New Year...and I'm feelin......
First off, I'd like to shout out to one of my best friends ever in the universe: Sherwin. I may have shouted him out before, but if you haven't already please go take a look at his blog: http://shrwnlong.blogspot.com/. He's one of the sickest individuals I've met who makes love to his work and that's why it is always amazing. He's a huge inspiration to me in so many ways but mostly just by being my friend; I feel like I can do anything cuz he always has my back.
That picture on my profile is one of his works. I'm so flattered by it, and it's one of my all time favorite pieces.
On another note, the new year.
I haven't really sat down to think of my resolutions or write them down, but I guess now is as good a time as any.
#1. Get organized in every sense of the word.
#2. Make more time for me.
#3. Remain true.
#4. Meditate more often, hopefully by the end of the year it will be religiously.
#5. Don't lose sight of what I'm here for and don't get discouraged.
#6. Taking care of me: mentally, physically and spiritually.
#7. Remember to come from a place of love.
#8. Don't take anything too seriously and always find a way to enjoy whatever it is I'm doing.
#9. Be less judgmental & have more patience.
#10. Be the change I want to see.
These are all derived from the basic way I intend to live my life anyway, and also things I've gathered from this past year. Nothing too crazy, everything very realistic. I may already be practicing some of these already as I've indicated.
Happy New Year to all, may things work out the way they should and not necessarily the way you want. I hope you learn as is my hope for myself. Life is a learning experience, think of every hardship and achievement as a lesson learned and banked so that now you are richer.
That picture on my profile is one of his works. I'm so flattered by it, and it's one of my all time favorite pieces.
On another note, the new year.
I haven't really sat down to think of my resolutions or write them down, but I guess now is as good a time as any.
#1. Get organized in every sense of the word.
#2. Make more time for me.
#3. Remain true.
#4. Meditate more often, hopefully by the end of the year it will be religiously.
#5. Don't lose sight of what I'm here for and don't get discouraged.
#6. Taking care of me: mentally, physically and spiritually.
#7. Remember to come from a place of love.
#8. Don't take anything too seriously and always find a way to enjoy whatever it is I'm doing.
#9. Be less judgmental & have more patience.
#10. Be the change I want to see.
These are all derived from the basic way I intend to live my life anyway, and also things I've gathered from this past year. Nothing too crazy, everything very realistic. I may already be practicing some of these already as I've indicated.
Happy New Year to all, may things work out the way they should and not necessarily the way you want. I hope you learn as is my hope for myself. Life is a learning experience, think of every hardship and achievement as a lesson learned and banked so that now you are richer.
Friday, November 25, 2011
Happy Turkey Day
11.25.11 Friday @2:10am
Tonight was Thanksgiving, my favorite holiday. It’s a day to reflect and be thankful for what we have. I like the way a couple of my friends put it: “Don't understand how everyone is thankful all of a sudden, when they spend 11 months and 29 days complaining on facebook and twitter about any stupid lil thing and on this one day everything changes? Talk about fake... (jus keepin it real)”
Talk about just keeping it real…Lately, by lately I mean these past few months, I’ve been really thinking about what I already have and focusing my attention on being grateful for that. Today was almost a summation of what I’ve been reflecting on during that time. I am eternally grateful for my family and close circle of friends that seem to be everlasting facets of my very short, perhaps insignificant time here.
One thing I’ve come to realize is that, although I say how grateful I am for the relationship I had with a certain member of the opposite sex, I don’t think I’m being entirely honest with myself. Ending this relationship has been such a hassle, mostly for the same mistakes I made during the actual time we were together. To list a few: being way too nice, acting without any expectation of reciprocity, hoping for the best, building up a high level of tolerance for foolishness and ignorance, and just being generally accepting of almost anything.
I’m not saying it’s wrong to do some of the things mentioned on that list, but I’ve learned not all people are deserving of these things from me. Not to say that I can judge what another is to receive from my spirit, but I can consciously decide what is serving and not serving.
The ex in this story is like a black hole for any and all energy that comes close to it. For anyone that meets me, even briefly, that person can immediately deduce from an encounter that I am generally full of energy. A black hole for energy and me together cannot possibly work out; you would have to considerably understand black holes. To sum things up, I spent the last 4.75 yrs having my energy fully and completely drained by this thirsty energy vampire whose only purpose is to consume.
It is taking a fair amount of time to reach a moving on point where I can be genuinely happy that I’m not being sucked dry anymore. There is, however, at times a feeling of unfinished business like we’ll never be done with each other. Perhaps it is the pull of the irresistible gravitational field surrounding this particular black hole of an ex. It had already got me and there seemed no escape. What happened after I got sucked into that black hole and my body was disseminated into tiny particles no longer forming the me that I once knew?
I’d say the only escape from this appeared to be to go right through the center, possibly increasing the mass of the black hole but inevitably weakening the force field around it. This would help others in the future I’m sure, but what happened to me? I broke down, dematerialized and was nonexistent in this world as that person. On the other side of that hole was a gaping, wide new existence, a big bang if you will. Something to create and form a new me with all the same particles (maybe some new, and maybe getting rid of a few); leaving behind whatever I don’t need and taking with me what I will.
I guess the reason that I’m having trouble accepting this is because I may still be shaken up from the impact of the collision my field and his. After all, I do still get aftershocks, and those are terrible. Maybe, just maybe, I’m finally going to be able to just not feel those vibrations anymore. When that day comes, it will be a regular, happy day because neither the presence nor absence will even be a thought.
I will be more thankful for this relationship once I feel that it is completely over in its entirety and that I have only love but no ill feelings towards this individual. Certain aspects are over, and I have gone through the center and my particles seem to be reorganizing fairly well. Now to escape this field by increasing the positive energy I’m receiving, breaking out of orbit and traveling faster than the speed of light never to look back.
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