Happy Turkey Day

11.25.11 Friday @2:10am

Tonight was Thanksgiving, my favorite holiday.  It’s a day to reflect and be thankful for what we have.  I like the way a couple of my friends put it: “This is a day to stop slaving away for the things we want to pause and recognize the things we already have. Happy Thanksgiving people.”  “Don't understand how everyone is thankful all of a sudden, when they spend 11 months and 29 days complaining on facebook and twitter about any stupid lil thing and on this one day everything changes? Talk about fake... (jus keepin it real)”

Talk about just keeping it real…Lately, by lately I mean these past few months, I’ve been really thinking about what I already have and focusing my attention on being grateful for that.  Today was almost a summation of what I’ve been reflecting on during that time.  I am eternally grateful for my family and close circle of friends that seem to be everlasting facets of my very short, perhaps insignificant time here.

One thing I’ve come to realize is that, although I say how grateful I am for the relationship I had with a certain member of the opposite sex, I don’t think I’m being entirely honest with myself.  Ending this relationship has been such a hassle, mostly for the same mistakes I made during the actual time we were together.  To list a few: being way too nice, acting without any expectation of reciprocity, hoping for the best, building up a high level of tolerance for foolishness and ignorance, and just being generally accepting of almost anything.

I’m not saying it’s wrong to do some of the things mentioned on that list, but I’ve learned not all people are deserving of these things from me.   Not to say that I can judge what another is to receive from my spirit, but I can consciously decide what is serving and not serving. 

The ex in this story is like a black hole for any and all energy that comes close to it.  For anyone that meets me, even briefly, that person can immediately deduce from an encounter that I am generally full of energy.  A black hole for energy and me together cannot possibly work out; you would have to considerably understand black holes.  To sum things up, I spent the last 4.75 yrs having my energy fully and completely drained by this thirsty energy vampire whose only purpose is to consume.

It is taking a fair amount of time to reach a moving on point where I can be genuinely happy that I’m not being sucked dry anymore.  There is, however, at times a feeling of unfinished business like we’ll never be done with each other.  Perhaps it is the pull of the irresistible gravitational field surrounding this particular black hole of an ex.  It had already got me and there seemed no escape.  What happened after I got sucked into that black hole and my body was disseminated into tiny particles no longer forming the me that I once knew?

I’d say the only escape from this appeared to be to go right through the center, possibly increasing the mass of the black hole but inevitably weakening the force field around it.  This would help others in the future I’m sure, but what happened to me?   I broke down, dematerialized and was nonexistent in this world as that person.  On the other side of that hole was a gaping, wide new existence, a big bang if you will.  Something to create and form a new me with all the same particles (maybe some new, and maybe getting rid of a few); leaving behind whatever I don’t need and taking with me what I will.

I guess the reason that I’m having trouble accepting this is because I may still be shaken up from the impact of the collision my field and his.  After all, I do still get aftershocks, and those are terrible.  Maybe, just maybe, I’m finally going to be able to just not feel those vibrations anymore.  When that day comes, it will be a regular, happy day because neither the presence nor absence will even be a thought.

I will be more thankful for this relationship once I feel that it is completely over in its entirety and that I have only love but no ill feelings towards this individual.  Certain aspects are over, and I have gone through the center and my particles seem to be reorganizing fairly well.  Now to escape this field by increasing the positive energy I’m receiving, breaking out of orbit and traveling faster than the speed of light never to look back.