...just when the caterpillar thought the world was over...

 If you could do anything with your life, your energy, your time, what exactly would you do??  I'm not sure if I could truly answer that, given that I can't think of making any moves without thinking of my being bond to responsibilities such as bills and loans that I'm tied to for who-knows-how-long...suffice it to say, I don't even feel that I am privileged enough to think about what I'd do if I could.

I had never thought that I even had a passion for life when I was younger.  My job was just to go to school, get the good grades, and get in to college.  My senior year of high school is when people started probing the idea of "what I wanted to do with my life".  All I knew was that I was good at school, thought maybe a psychologist since I did well in our Intro class senior year, and I certainly didn't want to be a psychiatrist because of the history of drug addiction in my family.  Once I got into college, (on a four year academic scholarship to a very good school), everything happened in a flash.  I already didn't really have an idea of where I wanted to be.  In high school, for a brief moment, I dreamed of being a dancer, that is until I dislocated my knee and realized the impermanence of such a career - I didn't have the guts to pursue it all or nothing, and I didn't think I was that great, to be perfectly honest.  What I did know, up until college, was that I was smart.

Let me tell you how far "smart" goes when you're at a school like Boston University.  I still get mad at myself for the time I wasted there trying to figure out just who the hell I was,and not in the best ways I might add.  I didn't even have "dream schools" just safety's because as much as they tried to shove it all down my throat in junior and senior year, I didn't understand the importance of going somewhere that mattered to me.  I just wanted to go somewhere close enough to home, but far enough where I could live on campus (which cost me a pretty penny).  I was afraid of real life, I felt completely unprepared; and I went to literally one of the best exam schools in New England, that someone like me coming from where I'm from could get access to without having money.

I quickly made a slew of bad choices, which led me places I'd never opt to go again, I lost myself.  I don't believe in pointing fingers, but I will say I was young and searching for some kind of validation I wasn't getting.  I felt betrayed, criminalized, hopeless.  Forget school, forget dance, barely made and/or kept friends; I was tumbling rapidly into darkness.  I thought someone would come and save me, from the horrors I allowed myself, the venom I swallowed because I believed I had nothing.  The world would have had me go on believing that lie too, even those closest to me.  I can't exactly explain what happened to me, or what I let happen.  What I can tell you is that this was the first time I stopped listening to everyone else, and heard the metaphorical voice on the inside commanding me to give myself another chance at life.

That's where the death of the old me began, and the person I am today began to emerge.  This is the time that I began singeing my life from the outer edges like a book.  Once I let the flame engulf everything I was, I watched the dis-ease, the negativity that I'd brought in my life erupt in tumult.  I realized that the only way I could achieve order in my insane world was not to fight the chaos, but to become it.  Somehow, I knew I could not burn myself any further than what I had; I stopped fearing what the flames could do.  This is when I discovered how like the mighty phoenix I truly am.  Once all had been properly scorched, it was time to start rebuilding.

During this time, I called my guard in, my warrior, my shield.  He came with no hesitation.  Since, I was still in such a delicate state, I needed protection and reassurance to restore my faith in myself.  Who better to call upon than the one person who I could always count on to give sincere counsel, the one person who had always seen past my exterior into my soul.  My Samurai walked through the battlefield, which was still bathed in my roaring flames just to be the armor I needed.  At that time, I called him my best friend, my ride or die.

Time passed, and I began to forge my own armor composed of self love, compassion, self respect, as well as an inner strength and some wisdom.  Characteristics I am still trying to embody on a daily basis.  When my armor finally merged with my soul and became part of who I am, is when I was able to open myself up new possibilities of what I deserved and what I am capable of, my potential became more apparent to me.  With all these discoveries, my Samurai stood ever present by my side, undeterrable, his loyalty to me unwavering, his faith in me unyielding.  He helped me dust the ashes off and spread my majestic wings again.

With clarity and hope, I looked into his eyes and saw my truest, deepest reflection; here stood a pillar of strength, integrity, inspiration, determination, not to mention a soul so beautiful with a melody only I could hear.  I don't know if you believe in fairy tales, and I can't say that this is that, but I can tell you I fell so deep in love.  That love forever transformed my soul as we exchange our energies in all forms, our light expanding, our consciousness growing, our vibrations melding playing a symphony with ancient instruments derived from the oldest stardust in the cosmos.

Love of self is transformative, love of another is courageous.  I decided long ago all I ever truly want is happiness.  The love I found in me allowed me to love and be loved unconditionally.  I feel like I am capable of greatness.  I feel like I can change the world, at least by changing myself.  The process has already begun.  I feel like I have everything I could ever want and I'm so incredibly grateful.

I still have no clue where I'm going, but that's only because I'm focused on the now, doing what I can with what I have for those who can benefit, whose lives I can impact, work that I believe in. And I have the love of my life by my side.  This happiness is the purest form of a blessing.  "In life, it's not where you go---its who you travel with" and I am so honored to be sharing this journey with him.

Love Me Like A River Does

The last 25 years have been a life.  It's had ups and downs, countless memories happy and muddled with darkness and grays.

I like to consider myself a positive person, one that is generally happy.  The happier I become, the harder life seems to get.  It's almost as if I'm set up to fail, like I'm supposed to give up -- But I can't give up, I fight for myself to be the best person I can be, sometimes that requires altering everything I once thought myself to be.

We get so attached to these personalities of ours,.  It's easy not to take responsibility for how we are and the choices we make.  All we have to do when we fuck up is attribute it to "who we are"; "Oh sorry if I'm an asshole, that's just my personality that I'm not willing to even try to change because that would be more inconvenient for me to acknowledge that I'm not perfect."  It's a very common occurrence.  I've seen it in myself as I am very quick to anger and a bit too emotionally reactive, more than I'd like to admit.  I let people affect my mood and disposition to the point that I have become emotionally dependent on others.  I rely on frequencies outside of myself to alter my core being.

If I'm being honest, I don't think our "personalities" are who we truly are or potentially can be; I think that potential is who we should strive to be.  I think these "personalities" are more or less the things we carry around from other sources but not from within.  Ponder this, when we look outside ourselves we all become dependent on what I'll call "the other" to the point where we become addicted to people and their energies.  Some of us are more aware than others; some of us are more affected than others.

We walk around like zombies radiating this negativity that says we are worthless and we look for those that give us value.  This is our grave mistake, because if you really look at it, we are putting out this negativity in an attempt to attract something better.  If we are all asleep putting out this frequency, how will we get what we are looking for.  It must come from within, we must be the source for ourselves.  It takes for a person to really wake to consciousness simply to be aware, then the real work begins.

It's not easy to change your mind or perspective, and have you ever contemplated this idea?  Everything we are, our realities, all we've agreed upon, all of this is nothing more than someone's idea.  When a decision is made to change your mind about something it is only natural that you are met with resistance.  We are creatures of habit, but just because this is so, it does not necessitate the idea that we are unable to grow out of habit.

We must be like the river who flows ever so gently, forging a new way where we may be met with resistance.  Think of how canyons are formed, water is gentle yet majestic and reigns supreme as the dominant life source.  We cannot exist without it.  Water always finds a way to flow, and over time, creates whole new paths where there was only walls of rock before.  When our path changes, we have to be able to adjust ourselves to this path while retaining our core selves.

Nothing is softer or more flexible than water, yet nothing can resist it.

                                                                                                  -Lao Tzu

It is ok to not know who you are yet, or to not be done figuring out who you want to be.  But let us make the choice to be the best we can be for ourselves, this will then yield to the best us we can be together.  If we aren't so hard on ourselves and give ourselves a chance to see we are the music makers and the dreamers of dreams, then life will still be as challenging but we will still be able to choose happiness.  We can be so happy together.

It's Driven Me Before And It Seems To Have A Vague Haunting Mass Appeal....

It's has been quite a while since I've written anything on this blog....Lately, let's say, I've been rather inspired by events and people, particularly the behaviors of people.

Now, unfortunately for me, I'm both annoyingly semantically meticulous as well as enthusiastically emotional; the latter, sometimes, is a morosely reactive state which can feel like I've lost all control.  I feel as though as I've grown, I've gained more control over my emotions, and have the potential to achieve inner peace.  There are, however, so many distractions, some taking shape in the form of human interaction/relationships outside of myself.

I've always been an altruistic person, overly generous with my energies.  When I was a senior in high school, I remember having a discussion with this highly intelligent young person, Rachel.  Rachel and I were debating about whether or not altruism is a good thing, and we may have touched upon its inherent morality (or lack thereof, i.e. selfish motives).  I was in favor of altruism while she argued that, although it's not necessarily a bad thing, it wasn't beneficial to be altruistic.  It wasn't until recent years that I truly began understanding that a save-the-world mentality could be so detrimental to a person.

In my 25 years, I have given so much of my energy, devoted so much of my being for the interest and gain of others.  Recently, I'm learning that I have a propensity to give so freely without any expectation that I have been losing so much of myself in the process.  I have to learn to maintain a specific frequency of love and compassion within, so that when I choose to share I won't be depleting my own source.

When one depletes her own source of light, she vibrates at a lower level and then becomes disoriented and life grows more difficult to decipher.  When this happens, we can become enveloped in dramas that tend to play out in a way that we must learn a lesson.  This is also why sometimes, certain challenges seem familiar, life is trying to send us a hint or reminder of that lesson we need to learn.  Sometimes, life likes to test us on those lessons we thought we had learned.

When you're light is shining the brightest, life likes to put you in darkness to remind you that you have to create your own light in this world.

One lesson I'm continuously learning is that what other people think of me does not matter.  No one has any power over me that I did not give to them willingly.  This irrational fear of losing control is exactly that: irrational, illogical, unreasonable.  I only control myself insofar as I am able to turn the inner eye to make the changes I see fit.  I can admit that I don't like to not be able to make people understand me.  It's frustrating to think people can make up their own ideas of me that may not even be close to who I feel I am, my perception of myself.  It's only frustrating due to my irrational fear that it matters what others, outside myself believe about me, someone who they can only know from their own subjective experiences with me; and no matter what I do, I cannot control the thoughts of others no matter how much I would like to be able influence them.  I must be able to accept the things I cannot change, as well as care less about what others think and attempt not to form solid judgments about others.  I need not to be distracted with the drivel of simple dramas when I am this multifaceted being living life in multidimensional spaces.

"I must not fear.  Fear is the mind killer.  Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.  I will face my fear.  I will permit it to past over me and through me.  And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.  Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.  Only I will remain."

Love is a much more interesting adventure and a much wiser use of my energy.