Wow...though this whole process has really sucked from the beginning of this breakup, this part is the hardest. Well, first of all we're living together...if I didn't mention that in my last post...we have a spare room and it has been the plan that one of us would move into that room for quite some time prior to the breakup. It's indeed been a challenge knowing something is ending inevitably, and there's absolutely nothing you can nor want to do to stop it. All we can ever do is hope for the best and find the good in what seemed bad. Recognize the bad, but then let it go. Release yourself.
It took me a month to be able to not need to sleep in the same bed with him; but then it hit me one night that I was still expected to meet certain obligations which, if you asked him, I was neglecting at that time. I mentioned the idea of us separating because of the struggle it began to impose on me. Things were getting harder to deal with and I was starting to hate him which is the last thing I want to do. I believe if you truly love a person you never stop, though the relationship may change and the intensity as well. He was hurt, naturally, by me bringing up him going to the other room. The way I saw it and still do: I suffered and yes by my own naive choices but he invaded my space and I allowed him in, I trusted him with my whole being. He's betrayed me in many different ways, from the smallest little white lie to downright insensitivity. In realization of this, however, I began to see myself again and pull her to the forefront so she could handle this situation.
He basically threw a tantrum which lasted through a couple weeks. Starting with him literally throwing a tantrum, stomping his feet around, grabbing his things and throwing them into the other room, all the while murmuring obscenities and insults under his breath. I was so hurt by this but after it I only became even stronger. I let him back in one more time and he thought that was it we were together with no verbal authorization. **you know what they say when you assume: you make an a$$ outta you and me** But everything told me to look up even still...especially my horoscope. Some people wholeheartedly believe in horoscopes like others believe in the Bible. I'm one of those in-betweens who just let life work in their favor, the universe hears my requests and feels what I put out there. I trust what I put out, I trust myself, I love myself. Anyway, I resolved within myself to not hurt because he's hurt; he's hurt me and his hurt is not my pain. I can only help myself, I can only make myself feel and even emotions I'm just learning to control. How can I imagine for one second that I am responsible and can manipulate another's emotions without their consent?! It is only because I allowed him to hurt me that he was able.
He gave me attitude, I became indifferent. I was not a jerk nor was I overly accommodating to the point I compromised anything. He could not and refused to compromise with me, though I have for years with him and myself. The difference, I don't blame him. He didn't trick me into anything, everything I did was of my own volition. Then one day he knocked on my door and, skipping to the point, we cried together and we forgave each other. It was beautiful.
My new bed comes in the mail tomorrow and we officially have our own rooms. We acknowledged to each other that we will always love the other no matter what. We honor each other. It will be a challenge, and everyone says it won't be easy. The fact of the matter is that the others only know from their yard sticks, I have heard parts of their own stories and I now have a chance to show them what I've learned from all of them and on my own, even though I have nothing to prove to anyone. Nothing has to be difficult, how we perceive things is all in the mind's eye. In a world that pretends to be so objective, it really has quite a subjective view. A person can try to understand another person as much as possible, but you can never see through that other person's eyes. You can't prevent them from feeling their own feelings either. You only have power over yourself; and you only should have power over yourself. period. I
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