It's Driven Me Before And It Seems To Have A Vague Haunting Mass Appeal....

It's has been quite a while since I've written anything on this blog....Lately, let's say, I've been rather inspired by events and people, particularly the behaviors of people.

Now, unfortunately for me, I'm both annoyingly semantically meticulous as well as enthusiastically emotional; the latter, sometimes, is a morosely reactive state which can feel like I've lost all control.  I feel as though as I've grown, I've gained more control over my emotions, and have the potential to achieve inner peace.  There are, however, so many distractions, some taking shape in the form of human interaction/relationships outside of myself.

I've always been an altruistic person, overly generous with my energies.  When I was a senior in high school, I remember having a discussion with this highly intelligent young person, Rachel.  Rachel and I were debating about whether or not altruism is a good thing, and we may have touched upon its inherent morality (or lack thereof, i.e. selfish motives).  I was in favor of altruism while she argued that, although it's not necessarily a bad thing, it wasn't beneficial to be altruistic.  It wasn't until recent years that I truly began understanding that a save-the-world mentality could be so detrimental to a person.

In my 25 years, I have given so much of my energy, devoted so much of my being for the interest and gain of others.  Recently, I'm learning that I have a propensity to give so freely without any expectation that I have been losing so much of myself in the process.  I have to learn to maintain a specific frequency of love and compassion within, so that when I choose to share I won't be depleting my own source.

When one depletes her own source of light, she vibrates at a lower level and then becomes disoriented and life grows more difficult to decipher.  When this happens, we can become enveloped in dramas that tend to play out in a way that we must learn a lesson.  This is also why sometimes, certain challenges seem familiar, life is trying to send us a hint or reminder of that lesson we need to learn.  Sometimes, life likes to test us on those lessons we thought we had learned.

When you're light is shining the brightest, life likes to put you in darkness to remind you that you have to create your own light in this world.

One lesson I'm continuously learning is that what other people think of me does not matter.  No one has any power over me that I did not give to them willingly.  This irrational fear of losing control is exactly that: irrational, illogical, unreasonable.  I only control myself insofar as I am able to turn the inner eye to make the changes I see fit.  I can admit that I don't like to not be able to make people understand me.  It's frustrating to think people can make up their own ideas of me that may not even be close to who I feel I am, my perception of myself.  It's only frustrating due to my irrational fear that it matters what others, outside myself believe about me, someone who they can only know from their own subjective experiences with me; and no matter what I do, I cannot control the thoughts of others no matter how much I would like to be able influence them.  I must be able to accept the things I cannot change, as well as care less about what others think and attempt not to form solid judgments about others.  I need not to be distracted with the drivel of simple dramas when I am this multifaceted being living life in multidimensional spaces.

"I must not fear.  Fear is the mind killer.  Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.  I will face my fear.  I will permit it to past over me and through me.  And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.  Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.  Only I will remain."

Love is a much more interesting adventure and a much wiser use of my energy.