Happy Turkey Day

11.25.11 Friday @2:10am

Tonight was Thanksgiving, my favorite holiday.  It’s a day to reflect and be thankful for what we have.  I like the way a couple of my friends put it: “This is a day to stop slaving away for the things we want to pause and recognize the things we already have. Happy Thanksgiving people.”  “Don't understand how everyone is thankful all of a sudden, when they spend 11 months and 29 days complaining on facebook and twitter about any stupid lil thing and on this one day everything changes? Talk about fake... (jus keepin it real)”

Talk about just keeping it real…Lately, by lately I mean these past few months, I’ve been really thinking about what I already have and focusing my attention on being grateful for that.  Today was almost a summation of what I’ve been reflecting on during that time.  I am eternally grateful for my family and close circle of friends that seem to be everlasting facets of my very short, perhaps insignificant time here.

One thing I’ve come to realize is that, although I say how grateful I am for the relationship I had with a certain member of the opposite sex, I don’t think I’m being entirely honest with myself.  Ending this relationship has been such a hassle, mostly for the same mistakes I made during the actual time we were together.  To list a few: being way too nice, acting without any expectation of reciprocity, hoping for the best, building up a high level of tolerance for foolishness and ignorance, and just being generally accepting of almost anything.

I’m not saying it’s wrong to do some of the things mentioned on that list, but I’ve learned not all people are deserving of these things from me.   Not to say that I can judge what another is to receive from my spirit, but I can consciously decide what is serving and not serving. 

The ex in this story is like a black hole for any and all energy that comes close to it.  For anyone that meets me, even briefly, that person can immediately deduce from an encounter that I am generally full of energy.  A black hole for energy and me together cannot possibly work out; you would have to considerably understand black holes.  To sum things up, I spent the last 4.75 yrs having my energy fully and completely drained by this thirsty energy vampire whose only purpose is to consume.

It is taking a fair amount of time to reach a moving on point where I can be genuinely happy that I’m not being sucked dry anymore.  There is, however, at times a feeling of unfinished business like we’ll never be done with each other.  Perhaps it is the pull of the irresistible gravitational field surrounding this particular black hole of an ex.  It had already got me and there seemed no escape.  What happened after I got sucked into that black hole and my body was disseminated into tiny particles no longer forming the me that I once knew?

I’d say the only escape from this appeared to be to go right through the center, possibly increasing the mass of the black hole but inevitably weakening the force field around it.  This would help others in the future I’m sure, but what happened to me?   I broke down, dematerialized and was nonexistent in this world as that person.  On the other side of that hole was a gaping, wide new existence, a big bang if you will.  Something to create and form a new me with all the same particles (maybe some new, and maybe getting rid of a few); leaving behind whatever I don’t need and taking with me what I will.

I guess the reason that I’m having trouble accepting this is because I may still be shaken up from the impact of the collision my field and his.  After all, I do still get aftershocks, and those are terrible.  Maybe, just maybe, I’m finally going to be able to just not feel those vibrations anymore.  When that day comes, it will be a regular, happy day because neither the presence nor absence will even be a thought.

I will be more thankful for this relationship once I feel that it is completely over in its entirety and that I have only love but no ill feelings towards this individual.  Certain aspects are over, and I have gone through the center and my particles seem to be reorganizing fairly well.  Now to escape this field by increasing the positive energy I’m receiving, breaking out of orbit and traveling faster than the speed of light never to look back.

 

Moi...!!?? ...yeap u bub....

I find "About Me" sections in any form to be quite daunting and character-limiting (I'm sure that it's not a word but I'm sure ya get me ;] ).  How am I supposed to describe myself...? School always told you to be as clear and succinct as possible, unless we're being poetic (sometimes)...There are things that give you a limit on how much you can even say....and most times we're not even sure what we should include..the most important things about who we are..It's hard for me to decide what's really important about me that I need to share...I ponder in what context people actually want to know about me, do we want to know more about one another???


I feel like who cares (ha! - didn't expect that...)...no, but seriously, who really cares to know about people for who we are...well I don't really know who does or doesn't..sometimes I care and other times I don't....But for anyone that cares, here are the things I guess I consider are pretty important to know if you ever wondered "about me":

So, the very most important thing in this world is that I stay true to myself.  I need to know at least one person that I can count on if all else fails: me.  I do put my trust into some people, but with experience the numbers are growing few.  I have a core group of people who are very close to my heart.  Some have always been there, some kind of just appeared as though they materialized from another life and we just continued on here.  There are also the interims; those that come in your life for a period of time (short or long) but come and go, some never to return.

Like(     insert word here       ) (long, lost, forgotten, new, old, past, recent, true..etc.)        loves....

I sincerely love love.   I do not, however, go around looking for love like it's something that's lost and can never be found in this sea of nobodies, the hay that hides the needle of true "soul-mate" love...I recognize that without love for the self, one can never truly feel and have love; not sharing pure, unconditional love with another human anyway.  Anyway, I love myself, I respect myself, I trust myself.  These are things I've been working on my whole life and will only continue to do so.  I can always trust myself more...and perhaps have a little more respect for that inner voice that can be so wise at times...but I always love myself.  That's something no one can take from me.  

I'm passionate about life, my life in particular. I love to learn and experience new things.  But mostly I love my solitary time, my time with me.  That's probably why I like Winter so much...but I love to be around people, strangely enough.  I say that because I don't really consider myself a "people-person".  I guess I am, I just don't like to be taken advantage of and I can be pretty naive a few moments out of any given day.  Well, hey! wha dya expect?! We're all still learning on this crazy ride called life.  Could happen to anybody...

I think that's pretty much the gist of who I am or what's important to me..the summed up "about me" blog...if ya care, gee thx you make me feel pretty special ^_^

Everyone is trying to accomplish something big, not realizing that life is made up of little things. - Frank A Clark

I like quotes...other people's ideas on what life is/means immortalized by the concurrence of another choosing that same idea...very interesting people and quotes...

I like this one in particular because it reminds me of one of my best friends.  He's an artist, this friend of mine, and a very good one at that.  You can take a look here and see for yourself.  I've known him for what seems a lifetime or more, but maybe it's been about 13 years.  That's more than half my life so far....a long time to know a person...the best part about him is getting to know him.  He's probably one of the realest, most true to heart, straightforward people out there. 

I have never, and I mean NEVER, known anybody quite like this kid.  He's always been smart and funny and very creative.  Just recently he's really been putting in work as an artist, making a name for himself and really broadening his horizons.  He shares very similar views about the world that I do (I guess that's one reason we've gotten so close).  I just love spending time with him because I can always be myself with him and we can just sit around and do almost nothing and have the best time.

He's a person who reminds me that even while on the path to achieving the great goals some of us set for ourselves, the most meaningful and wonderful moments can be the minutes spent with a good friend in laughter or even just the company.  So I guess, not only is he trying to accomplish something big with his work, but he still understands that the little moments that life brings us can be what inspires us most, which we can then incorporate into our big dreams.

He will go far.  I'm not just saying that because he's my friend, but because I've seen how far he has already come and how much he is open to now.  This is only the beginning, he has so much more to offer the world...and how grateful am I to be able to call him my friend...

To each of us, friendship has a different meaning.  For all of us, it is a gift.

Maybe sometimes...new love can stem from old love...right??...

Well....let me just start by saying this: Surprises are more fun than expectations, and I very much like to be surprised.  This can sometimes be a weakness as much as I consider it to be a strength. 

I found, in the process of what I considered to be the true end of a relationship that I thought had seen its day, that physical boundaries can prove to be difficult and daunting.  To be so bonded with someone but to feel so disconnected can really stress a person out.  In trying to let a distance wedge between us, it seemed a stronger bond kept growing.  We decided to be friends and tested it...seemed to be going well; we began respecting each other and our boundaries as far as space.  (Emphasis is put on "began" to imply that this is something we never really built in our foundation.)  This new feeling, however, was emerging from this mutual respect and any tense feelings seemed to just dissolve as if into a light mist; one that is still very much there but it's presence is just barely noticeable.

It was like discovering something new.  To stem from a couple posts ago, perhaps it is possible that not only what I desire for myself to be found exists but that it can exist in this person where it seemed it was impossible.  Once a person truly lets go of all her expectations and stops forcing her eyes to see something that isn't there or maybe it is but it's not the only thing, you can give that thing a chance to grow and blossom into something you never anticipated. 

Maybe that's how love is supposed to be: completely unexpected, unconditonal (so as not to be restricted because then it cannot grow), and brand new everytime because it's not limited to one view/one side/simple qualities.  These feelings can get overwhelming sometimes, but they can be so wonderful as well.  Though it is very important not to lose sight of yourself and what this all means in the moment, it is also important to just enjoy it for what it is.

Love is a most complex thing, but it can also be the root of the simplest ecstasy.