This isn't the first christmas I've had without a tree or any gifts to give anyone...it's hard feeling like you have nothing but have to give everything. I honestly don't know why and how people are able to do this without destroying themselves completely. I did buy one person a gift this year, my 3-yr-old goddaughter Jaslene, though she won't get til tomorrow probably.
What I wouldn't give sometimes just to be a child again, to just get things because you were a child and have everything be all about you. That is the biggest mistake in raising children, but how can we stop it we just want them to know they mean everything to us, right? That's why we give them the world and it's so hard not to, I imagine anyway. I don't have any actual children of my own, not yet anyway...
What's even more messed up is that we'll give a child everything and say that they deserved it or whatever because most people believe the real world works on a merit system. Perhaps it does, personally I don't think it should...and I've seen people work their entire lives to leave their children and grandchildren with bills, instead of trust funds. So, maybe this whole idea of the more work you do the more you will be monetarily rewarded should not be fed to our children. People get what they get because they believe it's what they deserve, not necessarily because they deserve it....Maybe I'll go more into detail the next time I post....
Saturday, December 25, 2010
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Things that make me go hmmm....today at least..
Today, I went to a friend's art show where there was showcased different pieces in a nice sized room. This friend has been in my life for quite sometime and has just recently become inspiration for me as well.
Among the many different ways he has inspired me, today he introduced me to an array of people. One, though, really stood out. I'm always amazed when I meet fascinating people in the world who recognize the insanities and chaos and vibrate so brightly.
I'll come back to that, but this is kind of important as well. One way I've dealt with emotions has been to talk with my greatest & truest love, besides myself, my mother. She suggested in one conversation that I write down the qualities and characteristics I think are important in a relationship. She also suggested I write the things I don't want, but the way I see it whatever you put out into the universe you're also manifesting. The idea of it is the seedling; in essence, I'd be looking for a partner with all those good qualities and the bad ones to be expected...sorta...bare with me here this is an idea in progress...
Anywho, I made my list with only positives, and if anything negative popped into my head I immediately thought of the positive way to think of any bad qualities without actually thinking of them. I cannot describe to you this process, I just used the power of intent...which isn't a good explanation either, but the process here is not what's important.
I wrote these qualities down and I decided that the person the universe has in store for me will have these qualities, possibly others I may not have thought of, though I know that these are qualities that are quite subjective to me. Which is why I've also decided that there can be such a thing as a person made for you, so to speak. I think we spend alot of the time looking for a prototype of "perfection" but then we literally take what we can get for the most part. People share a connection and think BAM this is it I'm in love, my life belongs to you...No, no, no...share the connection, yes, but recognize who you are what you need, and once that relationship has met it's need do not drag it out. There is so much more I can say just in relation to that alone, but I will continue on to the relevance of the first paragraph.
So, I'm not in love and I haven't met the man of my dreams, but this guy I met gave me hope that that man exists and it can be ANYONE. Just because I meet a person who has some good qualities and I share a connection does not mean I must be with them forever and always, though my love will last that long. I will allow this energy to be shared and see where it goes, that is truly where the excitement lies. Also, expectations will disappoint you..do you do everything you even expect of yourself, let alone everyone else who expects you to be how they view you...Is this fair to you?...Do you think it's fair for you to do the same to another person??..
Here it is: hmmmmm....
Among the many different ways he has inspired me, today he introduced me to an array of people. One, though, really stood out. I'm always amazed when I meet fascinating people in the world who recognize the insanities and chaos and vibrate so brightly.
I'll come back to that, but this is kind of important as well. One way I've dealt with emotions has been to talk with my greatest & truest love, besides myself, my mother. She suggested in one conversation that I write down the qualities and characteristics I think are important in a relationship. She also suggested I write the things I don't want, but the way I see it whatever you put out into the universe you're also manifesting. The idea of it is the seedling; in essence, I'd be looking for a partner with all those good qualities and the bad ones to be expected...sorta...bare with me here this is an idea in progress...
Anywho, I made my list with only positives, and if anything negative popped into my head I immediately thought of the positive way to think of any bad qualities without actually thinking of them. I cannot describe to you this process, I just used the power of intent...which isn't a good explanation either, but the process here is not what's important.
I wrote these qualities down and I decided that the person the universe has in store for me will have these qualities, possibly others I may not have thought of, though I know that these are qualities that are quite subjective to me. Which is why I've also decided that there can be such a thing as a person made for you, so to speak. I think we spend alot of the time looking for a prototype of "perfection" but then we literally take what we can get for the most part. People share a connection and think BAM this is it I'm in love, my life belongs to you...No, no, no...share the connection, yes, but recognize who you are what you need, and once that relationship has met it's need do not drag it out. There is so much more I can say just in relation to that alone, but I will continue on to the relevance of the first paragraph.
So, I'm not in love and I haven't met the man of my dreams, but this guy I met gave me hope that that man exists and it can be ANYONE. Just because I meet a person who has some good qualities and I share a connection does not mean I must be with them forever and always, though my love will last that long. I will allow this energy to be shared and see where it goes, that is truly where the excitement lies. Also, expectations will disappoint you..do you do everything you even expect of yourself, let alone everyone else who expects you to be how they view you...Is this fair to you?...Do you think it's fair for you to do the same to another person??..
Here it is: hmmmmm....
Friday, December 3, 2010
...Separate Rooms...
Wow...though this whole process has really sucked from the beginning of this breakup, this part is the hardest. Well, first of all we're living together...if I didn't mention that in my last post...we have a spare room and it has been the plan that one of us would move into that room for quite some time prior to the breakup. It's indeed been a challenge knowing something is ending inevitably, and there's absolutely nothing you can nor want to do to stop it. All we can ever do is hope for the best and find the good in what seemed bad. Recognize the bad, but then let it go. Release yourself.
It took me a month to be able to not need to sleep in the same bed with him; but then it hit me one night that I was still expected to meet certain obligations which, if you asked him, I was neglecting at that time. I mentioned the idea of us separating because of the struggle it began to impose on me. Things were getting harder to deal with and I was starting to hate him which is the last thing I want to do. I believe if you truly love a person you never stop, though the relationship may change and the intensity as well. He was hurt, naturally, by me bringing up him going to the other room. The way I saw it and still do: I suffered and yes by my own naive choices but he invaded my space and I allowed him in, I trusted him with my whole being. He's betrayed me in many different ways, from the smallest little white lie to downright insensitivity. In realization of this, however, I began to see myself again and pull her to the forefront so she could handle this situation.
He basically threw a tantrum which lasted through a couple weeks. Starting with him literally throwing a tantrum, stomping his feet around, grabbing his things and throwing them into the other room, all the while murmuring obscenities and insults under his breath. I was so hurt by this but after it I only became even stronger. I let him back in one more time and he thought that was it we were together with no verbal authorization. **you know what they say when you assume: you make an a$$ outta you and me** But everything told me to look up even still...especially my horoscope. Some people wholeheartedly believe in horoscopes like others believe in the Bible. I'm one of those in-betweens who just let life work in their favor, the universe hears my requests and feels what I put out there. I trust what I put out, I trust myself, I love myself. Anyway, I resolved within myself to not hurt because he's hurt; he's hurt me and his hurt is not my pain. I can only help myself, I can only make myself feel and even emotions I'm just learning to control. How can I imagine for one second that I am responsible and can manipulate another's emotions without their consent?! It is only because I allowed him to hurt me that he was able.
He gave me attitude, I became indifferent. I was not a jerk nor was I overly accommodating to the point I compromised anything. He could not and refused to compromise with me, though I have for years with him and myself. The difference, I don't blame him. He didn't trick me into anything, everything I did was of my own volition. Then one day he knocked on my door and, skipping to the point, we cried together and we forgave each other. It was beautiful.
My new bed comes in the mail tomorrow and we officially have our own rooms. We acknowledged to each other that we will always love the other no matter what. We honor each other. It will be a challenge, and everyone says it won't be easy. The fact of the matter is that the others only know from their yard sticks, I have heard parts of their own stories and I now have a chance to show them what I've learned from all of them and on my own, even though I have nothing to prove to anyone. Nothing has to be difficult, how we perceive things is all in the mind's eye. In a world that pretends to be so objective, it really has quite a subjective view. A person can try to understand another person as much as possible, but you can never see through that other person's eyes. You can't prevent them from feeling their own feelings either. You only have power over yourself; and you only should have power over yourself. period. I
It took me a month to be able to not need to sleep in the same bed with him; but then it hit me one night that I was still expected to meet certain obligations which, if you asked him, I was neglecting at that time. I mentioned the idea of us separating because of the struggle it began to impose on me. Things were getting harder to deal with and I was starting to hate him which is the last thing I want to do. I believe if you truly love a person you never stop, though the relationship may change and the intensity as well. He was hurt, naturally, by me bringing up him going to the other room. The way I saw it and still do: I suffered and yes by my own naive choices but he invaded my space and I allowed him in, I trusted him with my whole being. He's betrayed me in many different ways, from the smallest little white lie to downright insensitivity. In realization of this, however, I began to see myself again and pull her to the forefront so she could handle this situation.
He basically threw a tantrum which lasted through a couple weeks. Starting with him literally throwing a tantrum, stomping his feet around, grabbing his things and throwing them into the other room, all the while murmuring obscenities and insults under his breath. I was so hurt by this but after it I only became even stronger. I let him back in one more time and he thought that was it we were together with no verbal authorization. **you know what they say when you assume: you make an a$$ outta you and me** But everything told me to look up even still...especially my horoscope. Some people wholeheartedly believe in horoscopes like others believe in the Bible. I'm one of those in-betweens who just let life work in their favor, the universe hears my requests and feels what I put out there. I trust what I put out, I trust myself, I love myself. Anyway, I resolved within myself to not hurt because he's hurt; he's hurt me and his hurt is not my pain. I can only help myself, I can only make myself feel and even emotions I'm just learning to control. How can I imagine for one second that I am responsible and can manipulate another's emotions without their consent?! It is only because I allowed him to hurt me that he was able.
He gave me attitude, I became indifferent. I was not a jerk nor was I overly accommodating to the point I compromised anything. He could not and refused to compromise with me, though I have for years with him and myself. The difference, I don't blame him. He didn't trick me into anything, everything I did was of my own volition. Then one day he knocked on my door and, skipping to the point, we cried together and we forgave each other. It was beautiful.
My new bed comes in the mail tomorrow and we officially have our own rooms. We acknowledged to each other that we will always love the other no matter what. We honor each other. It will be a challenge, and everyone says it won't be easy. The fact of the matter is that the others only know from their yard sticks, I have heard parts of their own stories and I now have a chance to show them what I've learned from all of them and on my own, even though I have nothing to prove to anyone. Nothing has to be difficult, how we perceive things is all in the mind's eye. In a world that pretends to be so objective, it really has quite a subjective view. A person can try to understand another person as much as possible, but you can never see through that other person's eyes. You can't prevent them from feeling their own feelings either. You only have power over yourself; and you only should have power over yourself. period. I
Saturday, November 27, 2010
..Relationships...
A blog about relationships *gasp*...you can sense my sarcasm no doubt. I imagine there must be gazillions of blogs about relationships and how to make them better, what's the problem/how to fix it, what he likes/what she needs, a million and one new sex positions (yeah ok), etc., etc....I'm not gonna pretend like I'm perfect or even know how to fix anyone else's problems but my own...and even sometimes that takes a miracle.
I was in a relationship..scratch that: am in a relationship with a boy. I've known this boy for sometime now; it's been about 4 years since we discovered each other's existence and about 3.5 yrs since we agreed to a monogamous relationship. I guess I'll start here, this last year...
It was the end from the beginning. Why did I stay?...as many would put it: it's complicated...or at least it was until I began to take a very obsessive, you could even call it intrusive interest in myself. I forced myself into thinking with my eyes wide open and facing every fear in the world of being hurt, feeling lonely and well, being alone. I put my foot down and realized how much damage I had allowed this relationship to do to my spirit. I had lost myself for a time, then came back and thought I was stronger than ever; I had begun to change for the better having more confidence in myself in every aspect of the word, having more respect for myself, and even my work was looking a million times better. Everything was healthier with the exception of him.
I've learned when looking for a change in someone else, you are only looking for a change within you. Everything I had an issue with in him was really my issues with myself. Why couldn't I stand up to him? Out of fear that he'd leave??...Well, that meant I was beginning to compromise myself in order to appease and comfort someone else who appeared to be in need of those things so he could be happy. Then, I had to ask myself who was I to tell him what he needed, especially when I'm not so sure what I need myself? And was I happy?!
It took for us to go through a lot of arguing and discomfort, which even after some understanding took place was nothing less than awkward. A relationship should never be like this. A wise man once told me: "a relationship should be easy." And it has been my own conclusion that if one finds themselves looking or waiting for the potential in someone to show, you're already asking too much of yourself as well as the individual.
No one is perfect, this concept I understand in immense detail, does not mean that there is no one who is not perfectly imperfect for you. I get this now, and it's one thing if there are small things one will tolerate of their partner but it's an entirely different ballgame to constantly have to struggle to find the good in another just because you love them. Love is NOT the only aspect to a relationship, one has to love themselves and be a whole individual--->Another huge lesson I've learned. People will say I've known these things all along, but then act as though they have never heard it...it's because a lesson is only truly learned through understanding. Just because you know something does not imply you understand it. I memorized a bunch of things I never understood, but now I guess I can say I'm actually learning with life....
I'd like to mention that I know and understand that this is not the simplest task because sometimes the desire to love another can be so overwhelming. It is when you recognize the control you have over the choices you make that your life will begin to change. Mine has already begun to change in so many different ways, more positive than negative in the healthiest of ways. Next step: completely separate rooms. Wish me luck!
I was in a relationship..scratch that: am in a relationship with a boy. I've known this boy for sometime now; it's been about 4 years since we discovered each other's existence and about 3.5 yrs since we agreed to a monogamous relationship. I guess I'll start here, this last year...
It was the end from the beginning. Why did I stay?...as many would put it: it's complicated...or at least it was until I began to take a very obsessive, you could even call it intrusive interest in myself. I forced myself into thinking with my eyes wide open and facing every fear in the world of being hurt, feeling lonely and well, being alone. I put my foot down and realized how much damage I had allowed this relationship to do to my spirit. I had lost myself for a time, then came back and thought I was stronger than ever; I had begun to change for the better having more confidence in myself in every aspect of the word, having more respect for myself, and even my work was looking a million times better. Everything was healthier with the exception of him.
I've learned when looking for a change in someone else, you are only looking for a change within you. Everything I had an issue with in him was really my issues with myself. Why couldn't I stand up to him? Out of fear that he'd leave??...Well, that meant I was beginning to compromise myself in order to appease and comfort someone else who appeared to be in need of those things so he could be happy. Then, I had to ask myself who was I to tell him what he needed, especially when I'm not so sure what I need myself? And was I happy?!
It took for us to go through a lot of arguing and discomfort, which even after some understanding took place was nothing less than awkward. A relationship should never be like this. A wise man once told me: "a relationship should be easy." And it has been my own conclusion that if one finds themselves looking or waiting for the potential in someone to show, you're already asking too much of yourself as well as the individual.
No one is perfect, this concept I understand in immense detail, does not mean that there is no one who is not perfectly imperfect for you. I get this now, and it's one thing if there are small things one will tolerate of their partner but it's an entirely different ballgame to constantly have to struggle to find the good in another just because you love them. Love is NOT the only aspect to a relationship, one has to love themselves and be a whole individual--->Another huge lesson I've learned. People will say I've known these things all along, but then act as though they have never heard it...it's because a lesson is only truly learned through understanding. Just because you know something does not imply you understand it. I memorized a bunch of things I never understood, but now I guess I can say I'm actually learning with life....
I'd like to mention that I know and understand that this is not the simplest task because sometimes the desire to love another can be so overwhelming. It is when you recognize the control you have over the choices you make that your life will begin to change. Mine has already begun to change in so many different ways, more positive than negative in the healthiest of ways. Next step: completely separate rooms. Wish me luck!
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