Happy Turkey Day

11.25.11 Friday @2:10am

Tonight was Thanksgiving, my favorite holiday.  It’s a day to reflect and be thankful for what we have.  I like the way a couple of my friends put it: “This is a day to stop slaving away for the things we want to pause and recognize the things we already have. Happy Thanksgiving people.”  “Don't understand how everyone is thankful all of a sudden, when they spend 11 months and 29 days complaining on facebook and twitter about any stupid lil thing and on this one day everything changes? Talk about fake... (jus keepin it real)”

Talk about just keeping it real…Lately, by lately I mean these past few months, I’ve been really thinking about what I already have and focusing my attention on being grateful for that.  Today was almost a summation of what I’ve been reflecting on during that time.  I am eternally grateful for my family and close circle of friends that seem to be everlasting facets of my very short, perhaps insignificant time here.

One thing I’ve come to realize is that, although I say how grateful I am for the relationship I had with a certain member of the opposite sex, I don’t think I’m being entirely honest with myself.  Ending this relationship has been such a hassle, mostly for the same mistakes I made during the actual time we were together.  To list a few: being way too nice, acting without any expectation of reciprocity, hoping for the best, building up a high level of tolerance for foolishness and ignorance, and just being generally accepting of almost anything.

I’m not saying it’s wrong to do some of the things mentioned on that list, but I’ve learned not all people are deserving of these things from me.   Not to say that I can judge what another is to receive from my spirit, but I can consciously decide what is serving and not serving. 

The ex in this story is like a black hole for any and all energy that comes close to it.  For anyone that meets me, even briefly, that person can immediately deduce from an encounter that I am generally full of energy.  A black hole for energy and me together cannot possibly work out; you would have to considerably understand black holes.  To sum things up, I spent the last 4.75 yrs having my energy fully and completely drained by this thirsty energy vampire whose only purpose is to consume.

It is taking a fair amount of time to reach a moving on point where I can be genuinely happy that I’m not being sucked dry anymore.  There is, however, at times a feeling of unfinished business like we’ll never be done with each other.  Perhaps it is the pull of the irresistible gravitational field surrounding this particular black hole of an ex.  It had already got me and there seemed no escape.  What happened after I got sucked into that black hole and my body was disseminated into tiny particles no longer forming the me that I once knew?

I’d say the only escape from this appeared to be to go right through the center, possibly increasing the mass of the black hole but inevitably weakening the force field around it.  This would help others in the future I’m sure, but what happened to me?   I broke down, dematerialized and was nonexistent in this world as that person.  On the other side of that hole was a gaping, wide new existence, a big bang if you will.  Something to create and form a new me with all the same particles (maybe some new, and maybe getting rid of a few); leaving behind whatever I don’t need and taking with me what I will.

I guess the reason that I’m having trouble accepting this is because I may still be shaken up from the impact of the collision my field and his.  After all, I do still get aftershocks, and those are terrible.  Maybe, just maybe, I’m finally going to be able to just not feel those vibrations anymore.  When that day comes, it will be a regular, happy day because neither the presence nor absence will even be a thought.

I will be more thankful for this relationship once I feel that it is completely over in its entirety and that I have only love but no ill feelings towards this individual.  Certain aspects are over, and I have gone through the center and my particles seem to be reorganizing fairly well.  Now to escape this field by increasing the positive energy I’m receiving, breaking out of orbit and traveling faster than the speed of light never to look back.

 

Moi...!!?? ...yeap u bub....

I find "About Me" sections in any form to be quite daunting and character-limiting (I'm sure that it's not a word but I'm sure ya get me ;] ).  How am I supposed to describe myself...? School always told you to be as clear and succinct as possible, unless we're being poetic (sometimes)...There are things that give you a limit on how much you can even say....and most times we're not even sure what we should include..the most important things about who we are..It's hard for me to decide what's really important about me that I need to share...I ponder in what context people actually want to know about me, do we want to know more about one another???


I feel like who cares (ha! - didn't expect that...)...no, but seriously, who really cares to know about people for who we are...well I don't really know who does or doesn't..sometimes I care and other times I don't....But for anyone that cares, here are the things I guess I consider are pretty important to know if you ever wondered "about me":

So, the very most important thing in this world is that I stay true to myself.  I need to know at least one person that I can count on if all else fails: me.  I do put my trust into some people, but with experience the numbers are growing few.  I have a core group of people who are very close to my heart.  Some have always been there, some kind of just appeared as though they materialized from another life and we just continued on here.  There are also the interims; those that come in your life for a period of time (short or long) but come and go, some never to return.

Like(     insert word here       ) (long, lost, forgotten, new, old, past, recent, true..etc.)        loves....

I sincerely love love.   I do not, however, go around looking for love like it's something that's lost and can never be found in this sea of nobodies, the hay that hides the needle of true "soul-mate" love...I recognize that without love for the self, one can never truly feel and have love; not sharing pure, unconditional love with another human anyway.  Anyway, I love myself, I respect myself, I trust myself.  These are things I've been working on my whole life and will only continue to do so.  I can always trust myself more...and perhaps have a little more respect for that inner voice that can be so wise at times...but I always love myself.  That's something no one can take from me.  

I'm passionate about life, my life in particular. I love to learn and experience new things.  But mostly I love my solitary time, my time with me.  That's probably why I like Winter so much...but I love to be around people, strangely enough.  I say that because I don't really consider myself a "people-person".  I guess I am, I just don't like to be taken advantage of and I can be pretty naive a few moments out of any given day.  Well, hey! wha dya expect?! We're all still learning on this crazy ride called life.  Could happen to anybody...

I think that's pretty much the gist of who I am or what's important to me..the summed up "about me" blog...if ya care, gee thx you make me feel pretty special ^_^

Everyone is trying to accomplish something big, not realizing that life is made up of little things. - Frank A Clark

I like quotes...other people's ideas on what life is/means immortalized by the concurrence of another choosing that same idea...very interesting people and quotes...

I like this one in particular because it reminds me of one of my best friends.  He's an artist, this friend of mine, and a very good one at that.  You can take a look here and see for yourself.  I've known him for what seems a lifetime or more, but maybe it's been about 13 years.  That's more than half my life so far....a long time to know a person...the best part about him is getting to know him.  He's probably one of the realest, most true to heart, straightforward people out there. 

I have never, and I mean NEVER, known anybody quite like this kid.  He's always been smart and funny and very creative.  Just recently he's really been putting in work as an artist, making a name for himself and really broadening his horizons.  He shares very similar views about the world that I do (I guess that's one reason we've gotten so close).  I just love spending time with him because I can always be myself with him and we can just sit around and do almost nothing and have the best time.

He's a person who reminds me that even while on the path to achieving the great goals some of us set for ourselves, the most meaningful and wonderful moments can be the minutes spent with a good friend in laughter or even just the company.  So I guess, not only is he trying to accomplish something big with his work, but he still understands that the little moments that life brings us can be what inspires us most, which we can then incorporate into our big dreams.

He will go far.  I'm not just saying that because he's my friend, but because I've seen how far he has already come and how much he is open to now.  This is only the beginning, he has so much more to offer the world...and how grateful am I to be able to call him my friend...

To each of us, friendship has a different meaning.  For all of us, it is a gift.

Maybe sometimes...new love can stem from old love...right??...

Well....let me just start by saying this: Surprises are more fun than expectations, and I very much like to be surprised.  This can sometimes be a weakness as much as I consider it to be a strength. 

I found, in the process of what I considered to be the true end of a relationship that I thought had seen its day, that physical boundaries can prove to be difficult and daunting.  To be so bonded with someone but to feel so disconnected can really stress a person out.  In trying to let a distance wedge between us, it seemed a stronger bond kept growing.  We decided to be friends and tested it...seemed to be going well; we began respecting each other and our boundaries as far as space.  (Emphasis is put on "began" to imply that this is something we never really built in our foundation.)  This new feeling, however, was emerging from this mutual respect and any tense feelings seemed to just dissolve as if into a light mist; one that is still very much there but it's presence is just barely noticeable.

It was like discovering something new.  To stem from a couple posts ago, perhaps it is possible that not only what I desire for myself to be found exists but that it can exist in this person where it seemed it was impossible.  Once a person truly lets go of all her expectations and stops forcing her eyes to see something that isn't there or maybe it is but it's not the only thing, you can give that thing a chance to grow and blossom into something you never anticipated. 

Maybe that's how love is supposed to be: completely unexpected, unconditonal (so as not to be restricted because then it cannot grow), and brand new everytime because it's not limited to one view/one side/simple qualities.  These feelings can get overwhelming sometimes, but they can be so wonderful as well.  Though it is very important not to lose sight of yourself and what this all means in the moment, it is also important to just enjoy it for what it is.

Love is a most complex thing, but it can also be the root of the simplest ecstasy.

So...it's Christmas...

This isn't the first christmas I've had without a tree or any gifts to give anyone...it's hard feeling like you have nothing but have to give everything.  I honestly don't know why and how people are able to do this without destroying themselves completely.  I did buy one person a gift this year, my 3-yr-old goddaughter Jaslene, though she won't get til tomorrow probably. 

What I wouldn't give sometimes just to be a child again, to just get things because you were a child and have everything be all about you.  That is the biggest mistake in raising children, but how can we stop it we just want them to know they mean everything to us, right?  That's why we give them the world and it's so hard not to, I imagine anyway.  I don't have any actual children of my own, not yet anyway...

What's even more messed up is that we'll give a child everything and say that they deserved it or whatever because most people believe the real world works on a merit system.  Perhaps it does, personally I don't think it should...and I've seen people work their entire lives to leave their children and grandchildren with bills, instead of trust funds.  So, maybe this whole idea of the more work you do the more you will be monetarily rewarded should not be fed to our children.  People get what they get because they believe it's what they deserve, not necessarily because they deserve it....Maybe I'll go more into detail the next time I post....

Things that make me go hmmm....today at least..

Today, I went to a friend's art show where there was showcased different pieces in a nice sized room.  This friend has been in my life for quite sometime and has just recently become inspiration for me as well.
Among the many different ways he has inspired me, today he introduced me to an array of people.  One, though, really stood out.  I'm always amazed when I meet fascinating people in the world who recognize the insanities and chaos and vibrate so brightly.


I'll come back to that, but this is kind of important as well.  One way I've dealt with emotions has been to talk with my greatest & truest love, besides myself, my mother.  She suggested in one conversation that I write down the qualities and characteristics I think are important in a relationship.  She also suggested I write the things I don't want, but the way I see it whatever you put out into the universe you're also manifesting.  The idea of it is the seedling; in essence, I'd be looking for a partner with all those good qualities and the bad ones to be expected...sorta...bare with me here this is an idea in progress...
Anywho, I made my list with only positives, and if anything negative popped into my head I immediately thought of the positive way to think of any bad qualities without actually thinking of them.  I cannot describe to you this process, I just used the power of intent...which isn't a good explanation either, but the process here is not what's important.
I wrote these qualities down and I decided that the person the universe has in store for me will have these qualities, possibly others I may not have thought of, though I know that these are qualities that are quite subjective to me.  Which is why I've also decided that there can be such a thing as a person made for you, so to speak.  I think we spend alot of the time looking for a prototype of "perfection" but then we literally take what we can get for the most part.  People share a connection and think BAM this is it I'm in love, my life belongs to you...No, no, no...share the connection, yes, but recognize who you are what you need, and once that relationship has met it's need do not drag it out.  There is so much more I can say just in relation to that alone, but I will continue on to the relevance of the first paragraph.

So, I'm not in love and I haven't met the man of my dreams, but this guy I met gave me hope that that man exists and it can be ANYONE.  Just because I meet a person who has some good qualities and I share a connection does not mean I must be with them forever and always, though my love will last that long.  I will allow this energy to be shared and see where it goes, that is truly where the excitement lies.  Also, expectations will disappoint you..do you do everything you even expect of yourself, let alone everyone else who expects you to be how they view you...Is this fair to you?...Do you think it's fair for you to do the same to another person??..

Here it is:  hmmmmm....

...Separate Rooms...

Wow...though this whole process has really sucked from the beginning of this breakup, this part is the hardest.  Well, first of all we're living together...if I didn't mention that in my last post...we have a spare room and it has been the plan that one of us would move into that room for quite some time prior to the breakup.  It's indeed been a challenge knowing something is ending inevitably, and there's absolutely nothing you can nor want to do to stop it.  All we can ever do is hope for the best and find the good in what seemed bad.  Recognize the bad, but then let it go.  Release yourself.


It took me a month to be able to not need to sleep in the same bed with him; but then it hit me one night that I was still expected to meet certain obligations which, if you asked him, I was neglecting at that time.  I mentioned the idea of us separating because of the struggle it began to impose on me.  Things were getting harder to deal with and I was starting to hate him which is the last thing I want to do.  I believe if you truly love a person you never stop, though the relationship may change and the intensity as well.  He was hurt, naturally, by me bringing up him going to the other room.  The way I saw it and still do: I suffered and yes by my own naive choices but he invaded my space and I allowed him in, I trusted him with my whole being.  He's betrayed me in many different ways, from the smallest little white lie to downright insensitivity.  In realization of this, however, I began to see myself again and pull her to the forefront so she could handle this situation.

He basically threw a tantrum which lasted through a couple weeks.  Starting with him literally throwing a tantrum, stomping his feet around, grabbing his things and throwing them into the other room, all the while murmuring obscenities and insults under his breath.  I was so hurt by this but after it I only became even stronger.  I let him back in one more time and he thought that was it we were together with no verbal authorization.  **you know what they say when you assume: you make an a$$ outta you and me**  But everything told me to look up even still...especially my horoscope.  Some people wholeheartedly believe in horoscopes like others believe in the Bible.  I'm one of those in-betweens who just let life work in their favor, the universe hears my requests and feels what I put out there.  I trust what I put out, I trust myself, I love myself.  Anyway, I resolved within myself to not hurt because he's hurt; he's hurt me and his hurt is not my pain.  I can only help myself, I can only make myself feel and even emotions I'm just learning to control.  How can I imagine for one second that I am responsible and can manipulate another's emotions without their consent?!  It is only because I allowed him to hurt me that he was able.  

He gave me attitude, I became indifferent.  I was not a jerk nor was I overly accommodating to the point I compromised anything.  He could not and refused to compromise with me, though I have for years with him and myself.  The difference, I don't blame him.  He didn't trick me into anything, everything I did was of my own volition.  Then one day he knocked on my door and, skipping to the point, we cried together and we forgave each other.  It was beautiful. 

My new bed comes in the mail tomorrow and we officially have our own rooms.  We acknowledged to each other that we will always love the other no matter what.  We honor each other.  It will be a challenge, and everyone says it won't be easy.  The fact of the matter is that the others only know from their yard sticks, I have heard parts of their own stories and I now have a chance to show them what I've learned from all of them and on my own, even though I have nothing to prove to anyone.  Nothing has to be difficult, how we perceive things is all in the mind's eye.  In a world that pretends to be so objective, it really has quite a subjective view.  A person can try to understand another person as much as possible, but you can never see through that other person's eyes.  You can't prevent them from feeling their own feelings either.  You only have power over yourself; and you only should have power over yourself. period.  I